self-love“I have a question…what if you’ve done all this…you’ve told yourself over and over again all the reasons to keep pushing through…but you are alone. 

I am 35 years old..soon to be 36…and I am unloveable…my life is a rat race on repeat…wake up, work a shitty job, go home to an empty house, walk dog..go to bed..wake up and repeat…its pathetic really and I won’t continue this way for much longer….I just can’t!

People look at my online image and see a smiling face…but behind that smile is a very sad and lonely person.”

Those are the lines I read this week from one of my readers. It was heartbreaking and so very sad.

And I realized that you could be the most wonderful person in the world and everyone could see the love and light and brilliance in you.   But if you yourself can’t see this. If you yourself can’t feel this about you. All the admiration in the world won’t help.

What makes the difference between those of us who struggle with life and those for whom life washes gently around them?

For most of us, the answer is, we need a major dose of self-love.

1. Self-love and criticism

Every moment you spend doubting yourself, your capabilities and your wonderful uniqueness is a moment you’ll never get back. And none of us have forever, so don’t waste a second on self-criticism. 

Next time you find yourself feeling anxious and critical of who and where you are, remember this, you’re too strong and too smart to throw away any more precious moments.

Allow yourself to make mistakes, to feel unsure and uncertain with the awareness that this is simply part of creating a richer, deeper, vibrantly fulfilling life. And instead of pointing fingers, love yourself through it all.

2. Self-love and relationships

All relationships start with you, and the way you feel about yourself.  You could be with the best partner on the planet and still not feel loved enough or happy enough.

You will only allow as much respect and admiration as you have within. That’s why loving oneself is essential for a truly loving relationship. Love yourself first.

Gently shift your focus from any form of darkness, or pain, or uncertainty about relationships, or anything else for that matter, to what you want to feel.

And that’s love. 

You’ll find your mind and life have little choice but to follow your focus.

3. Self-love and forgiveness

You have to love yourself enough to  let go. To forgive what others did, or the experiences you had.

You don’t have to like what happened and you don’t have to be best friends. But you have to forgive, to overlook and let go because if you don’t you are imprisoning yourself, poisoning your spirit and making it to hard to reclaim the joy that is your birthright.

And remember to forgive yourself for what you think you did or what you wish you’d done. You’re never going to be perfect, nor am I and it really is okay. We’re human and we’re flawed and make mistakes.

Own it.    With love.

4. Self-love experiment

See yourself with compassion.  Validate yourself. Stop seeking outside reassurance if you’re feeling insecure.

Begin to practice great self-love.

Tell yourself over and over, “I love myself”. And you’ll free yourself from anything that’s not good for you; all those things and people that aren’t good for your health and well-being.

When I began this practice a little while ago I was astonished at how much resistance I felt to the repetition of, “I love myself.” And it made me more determined than ever to continue. 

It was clear that I wasn’t my own best friend, because loving my friends was a lot easier than loving myself.

A strange thing happened, my love of others grew exponentially and I discovered that genuine love of self is healthy, respectful and nurturing and it’s healing for everyone in our orbit.

5. Self-love and empowerment

So I say to you my lovelies, empower yourself. No-one else can soothe any emotional wounds you may have. 

[Tweet “The best fix, if you feel insecure or worried, is a healthy dose of self-love.”]

Validate yourself. Seriously.

You’ll find yourself making different choices in food, in people, in situations.self-love-Princess-Diana

And you’ll start to draw towards you things that bring you joy and happiness.  Things you love to do that give you a happy heart.  And more, much more, you’ll do them in your own authentic style.

I’m leaving the final words on our need to love ourselves more to the late Princess Diana who once said the biggest disease in the world was that of people feeling unloved. And sadly she also said, that people never realized that she was crucifying herself inside because she didn’t think she was good enough.

Encourage one another.

Love Elle


Image of Princess Diana courtesy of Mononc’ Paul


Elle Sommer is the author of 4 books and a workbook. Her latest publications are a series called The Power of Consciousness, and you will find all three books in this trilogy now available on Kindle. She shares quotes, inspiration and positive vibes on Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest. And her greatest desire is to encourage and inspire others to create not just a good life, but a phenomenal life.


  1. That’s so interesting to hear how loving yourself has had such a positive impact on your capacity to love others. I understand that sense of resistance you had when you began the practice. It feels awkward to many of us, which just brings out those wounded places so they can heal. I like to used the loving-kindness phrases, “May I be well, May I be happy, May I be safe.” Thanks for this encouragement, Elle.

    • Hi Sandra…I wasn’t expecting the exercise to expand my love of others…but once it did, I realized how much sense that made. If we’re filling ourselves with love then that’s what we radiate and so it would be natural for love to be expanded. Still, it’s a huge added benefit to the practice. I’m keeping a check on how many other things in life get altered! 🙂

  2. Elle this is so special and so close to my heart. Self-love or the lack of it and not being enough are as Princess Diana, said a disease and when I read this I know that the more we share our stories the more empowered we become and the more we help others become empowered. xxoo

    • I find this amongst my readers all the time Suzie…how clear it is that self-love is a basic necessity for a rich and fulfilling life. And like you, I think the more we spread the message that loving yourself is not only ok, it’s vital, the better our world and theirs becomes. 🙂

  3. It’s sad to find out that even Princess Diana had challenges in self-love. It just shows that even if you have all the money and admiration from others in the world, it is still not enough. Loving the self comes first.

    • Right Evelyn. It really doesn’t matter what we’ve acquired in our lifetime, nothing will fill that emptiness inside until we can love and accept ourselves for who we are. It’s a wonderful practice and can change lives so quickly. 🙂

  4. Such good advice. Self-love is the foundation of all else. You must first love yourself before anyone else can love you. It’s also integral to happiness and health, mental and physical.

    • Sad though it is Debbie…so many, like my reader have a profound challenge in loving themselves. Yet, as you say it’s an integral piece of the well being puzzle. 🙂

  5. Ebeck lepcha

    Thank you Ellen for the wonderful and encouraging message….I am quite broken due to my failure relationship. ..I am trying hard to forgive and forget and proceed further..indeed i find quite hard to forgive myself than others….I wonder how could one forgive oneself ??…thankfully i came across your words…love yourself….forgive yourself…..Ellen thank you…..???

    • I’m so sorry that you have been feeling sad and down Ebeck. You make a great point that sometimes it’s harder to forgive ourselves than others. In fact we often treat ourselves much worse than we would treat another, so I’m happy you can see that if you simple decide to start loving and forgiving yourself, somehow the universe steps in to give you a hand. One of life’s mysteries my dear. 🙂

  6. Seun mahlangu

    Some of us are really battling to forgive ourselves on the things that has happen to us or the things that hold us back ,in achieving or doing something productive about our lives

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