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Reinventing Your Relationships
We must look for ways to be an active force in our own lives. We must take charge of our own destinies, design a life of substance and truly begin to live our dreams ~ Les Brown
We don’t need anyone to validate our existence in this world…that’s our job. But the joint sharing of life together can be the most blazingly brilliant, joy filled and nurturing experience…ever.
The challenge for us all is that our beliefs and perspectives on relationships become the results we have. And as we all know by now, not every relationship belief we hold is that great. Everyone’s had ups and downs in relationships, be they of significant others, family or friends, and if we’ve interpreted these as being the ‘norm’ for a relationship…then so it is.
We pretty much know by now that we can never have in our outer world what we don’t have in our inner. Don’t we?
We can’t have great relationships when we feel unlovable or undeserving within. We can’t have great relationships when we use the previous, maybe dreadful relationship, as a template to follow, we’re just going to keep getting the same old warmed-over stuff for ever more. See my story here.
We’ve got to turn within and reinvent ourselves, and our relationship patterns will follow suit.
1. Is heartache and fear your daily companion?
It might be a clue that your relationship needs reinventing. Need a few more clues?
You walk on eggshells.
Your relationship is a roller coaster filled with ups and downs to such an extreme that it’s totally exhausting.
It’s been on again and off again more times than you’ve had hot dinners.
Your partner keeps pulling away, only to be calling every five minutes once you give the space asked for.
Every minute of every day needs to be accounted for.
Or your significant other is trying to fill your every minute with him/her.
You’re always at loggerheads…and no dear hearts, this isn’t exciting…it’s dysfunctional.
And lastly don’t fall for the idea that you’re stuck in any relationship. Nothing is ever stuck. All you’re doing is focusing on the same stuff and getting the same results. Easily resolved with a little practice.
2. Damage or deepen
What’s happening right now in your significant relationships? Are you focused on what’s wrong or what’s right?
One of my friends used to get really worked up every time her boyfriend didn’t know what it was she wanted or needed in their relationship. She expected him to ‘just know’. What was he, a blooming mind reader?
Don’t let this be you. We none of us can know what another person needs, unless and until they speak up. We all deserve to be heard, but expecting someone to simply ‘know’ what that is, can never work and everyone ends up feeling miserable.
At the same time, give space to others. It isn’t necessary to know every thought or feeling that someone has…in fact it’s downright disrespectful and an invasion of their privacy, and of their spiritual space, which can lead to withdrawal, and that can’t and won’t deepen any relationship.
Keep your attention on what you want.
3. Let go of wanting to figure things out
I know this sounds really weird and crazy, if there’s something not working in your relationship. The trouble is we’re trying to work something out from our current state of mind…the one that’s responsible for the latest experience we’re having. And it’s not helping.
And this is applicable to all relationships, not just our intimate ones. Maybe there’s a family member or a friend that’s showing up in your world in a way that doesn’t feel good. Stop working out how to fix it. Seriously.
I’m not very left brained, so wanting to work things out has never been my strong suit. And for those who are more linear than me, this is a tough pill to swallow. We’re all environmentally conditioned as kids. We get asked, how are you going to do this? Well we don’t know…probably don’t have a clue. How can you possibly fix this? Our brain or our ego doesn’t have a clue, if it did, wouldn’t it already be fixed?
And there we are, left with the impression and the programming that if we don’t know how to get it then we should give up on our dreams or whatever the heck it is we aspire to.
Ahh, but you don’t have to.
The fact that we’re aware that we have a tendency to do this allows us to let go of wanting to work everything out from an intellectual perspective and move effortless on to the inner work that deepens and strengthens the link between us. Okay effortlessly might be a stretch…so let’s just say we know we can do this. Better?
Keep your attention on what you want.
4. Drop the small stuff
And we know most of it’s small stuff.
Stop wanting to control everything. We all like a little control, but believe me give and take works sooo much better.
Criticism is another great one to drop. The challenge when we criticize others, even if only in our thoughts, is that our subconscious mind doesn’t differentiate between us. It doesn’t recognize ‘others’ so in effect we are putting in an order for more things to criticize, more things to go wrong…for us. We aren’t separate or independent from the people and events in our life. We’re connected to everything. And it shows in our levels of joy and happiness, and most clearly in our relationships.
Practice dropping pettiness in all it’s forms, be it resentments, regrets, frustration, whatever it is we hold against ourselves or others. By letting it all go and no longer being caught up in the petty things in our world we can be more magnanimous and loving and boy will that look better in all our relationships than a crusting of pettiness ever did.
Keep your attention on what you want.
5. Stop competing
On my recent trip to spend time with family, I noticed the level of competition between the five and seven year old. It was funny…it made me smile. But it’s not so funny when we end up in a competitive personal relationship. We see it all the time, just like children, one person experiences a success or a happy event and the other one makes it about them. It’s a challenge to have a deep, meaningful relationship with someone who turns every conversation into one about themselves.
As our five year old likes to say…no fair.
We need to focus on making connection, on cooperation, not competition. The deeper the connections we make of our heart and soul and yes our minds, the stronger the bond we create and the more beautiful the tapestry of life we weave and best of all we’re focused on being in it together.
6. Spiritually speaking
Our outer world is one of endings, not all of them happy. Every book we read, much as we love it, we know it’s coming to an end. Every movie we see, every holiday we take all coming to an end.
Not so with awareness. We’re living with the infinite.
Awareness, our consciousness is infinite …there is no ending. Every day we can wake up excited and fired up because we have a new day, with a new level of life we can operate at.
Isn’t this the greatest news? It means that today we can wake up and view our relationships through new eyes. We can begin to look for what’s great in each and everyone of them.
And the first place to start is the relationship we have with ourselves. It’s the one that’s going to last a lifetime. Don’t forget it in the quest for that super duper best romance ever. Our relationship with ourselves is the drawing force for all other relationships in our world. It needs just as much nurturing and just as much love as you’d give to any other relationship you’re in.
And here’s a final reminder…keep your attention on what you want. Awesome results will occur.
You know we love to hear your amazing comments. So what’s showing up in your relationships…do you need something different, or are you happy as a clam with the way things are? Share what works for you…or not in the comments below.
And as always thank you for reading and joining in the conversation…I love the brilliant insightful beings you are.
Encourage one another
Love Elle
Elle, this is a treasure trove of relationship wisdom done in your charming British manner. “Blazingly brilliant and blooming mind reader” are two choice bits.
Speaking of mind reader, so often in a relationship one party thinks that if you really loved them then you should be able to read their heart, soul and mind at will. Failure to be able to do this is therefore prima facia evidence that you don’t care a fig for them! I have been there and done that and that will really curdle the milk!
Why thank you kind sir. And thanks for your always interesting perspective…you have an interesting turn of phrase your own self…curdle the milk indeed. 🙂
Elle, I think the best thing I ever did with husband (and it only took me 18 years!) was to Believe Him when he said he’d rather I just got to the point in 10 seconds or less. It’s OK to say,”I don’t want to make the chicken. Would you like some spaghetti?” instead of the whole long story,”I am so tired from this day. I know I said I was going to make the special chicken for you and I am really sorry but would it be OK if I maybe made you something else? Like pasta? What kind would you like? I’ve got three kinds…” Be decisive and just say what you mean, no apologies required. I guess this won’t work with everyone! But the point is, when they tell you how they like their communication, trust that they know what they want and attempt to deliver it to them. We are both seriously so much happier, at least in that regard. And oh yes, I did just make this all about me – oh dear 🙂 Well I guess we can stop learning when we’re dead? Or at least take a little rest.
As usual Julie, it’s a lol comment. You are a little gem my friend. And it’s a great point…listen to how our partner needs to be communicated with and then work with it. I wanted to talk about how we need to be loved too…but the post was already long enough. Maybe it’s time for a book. 🙂
Julie, every man in America is standing cheering madly after reading your reply to Elle’s post. Oh, how nice to hear straight talk from a spouse! Men are simple creatures and just like it short, sweet but straight. Now, if I can just get my wife to cook! Fortunately I do.
Another lol comment Dore. Point taken. 🙂
hi Elle – excellent post with so many solid tips. I think our relationships are a reflection of ourselves and that’s why my last one was so challenging. Upon reflection, I was probably doing every single thing you suggested we not do above and then more. That relationship, as you can imagine, ended but it has led to self-reflection and growth. One of the big realizations I’ve made is that we have to love ourselves and improve our character first before we can love someone else. We are never going to complete someone else unless we complete ourselves first. That’s why consciousness and awareness you talk about is so important. As well as your reminder to work on the most important relationship first – the one with ourselves.
Isn’t that the truth Vishnu…it’s a reflection of ourselves indeed. And since it all stems from us, you’re spot on when you say loving ourselves needs to be a priority. Thanks, as always for your honest and insightful comments. 🙂
This is great advice Elle, relationships can be hard and sometimes we just get stuck in a rut and it is usually the simple things that can get us out of that rut.
Welcome to the conversation Ashley…nice to have you stop by and leave your thoughts. 🙂
So true Ashley and I apologize if I’ve been a bit long in responding. Sometimes I miss stuff…but still wanted to say thanks for taking the time to leave a comment and like your take on the simple things.