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There is no greater wealth in life than peace of mind.
And being around any kind of manipulation creates havoc with your sense of peace, harmony love and abundance.
You really don’t need that in your life.
Yet we’re all vulnerable to manipulators.
I’m one of those who back in the day couldn’t find ways to say ’No’ and I played right into the hands of every manipulator within a hundred mile radius!
I was miserable and thought there was something wrong with me. And the most scary thing of all. I was totally unaware I was being manipulated.
I felt guilty about everything, because manipulators always manage to turn everything around. Seemingly lovingly.
Like the time I went out of my way to cook a special meal, only to be told: “It was nice, not what I was hoping for but as long as you are happy that’s all the matters because I love you. And it doesn’t matter that much to me that I didn’t get what I wanted.”
Can you see what happened there? It looks and sounds as though he was loving and caring…but believe me…he was actually using guilt and getting me to believe that he was doing a great job at ‘loving me’, whilst I…well clearly I fell short.
It’s a mind game. And the use of guilt is high up there in the arsenal that emotional manipulators use because so many of us will do whatever we can to reduce our feelings of guilt.
But since it is a game…nasty as it is…here’s some rules to help you understand and put a stop to manipulation in relationships or any area of life.
Because my lovelies you deserve to feel empowered, to be thrilled at being alive and to live with a heart full of joy and gratitude…not bow down to toxic manipulation.
Look out for:
1. The scared routine
Don’t buy into the “I’m scared” routine.
They’re sorry that they did this, or said that. They’re sorry they don’t want you to have male friends or whatever else they’re sorry for, because they’ve been hurt before, or whatever the excuse is.
It’s a Jedi mind trick giving them an excuse to be the jerk they are.
Don’t let others keep you away from friends and family who truly love you.
2. Trust yourself
Manipulators love to find ways to make you doubt yourself.
And they do it so beautifully.
Always sounding as though they have your best interests at heart.
Sometimes they say one thing and later say they never said it. They’re experts at explaining things away, justifying and excusing everything.
Believe me…I’ve heard it all and once you begin to doubt yourself…game over. Don’t trust them more than you trust yourself. In fact trust your gut most of all…it is speaking truth to you.
3. Don’t take on responsibility for how they feel
This is crucial and leads right back to the number 1 trick, guilt. And this is crazy. Anyone who wants you to be miserable because of the way they feel should not be in your life. Period.
We feel good, we feel bad. All of our feelings bubble up from our unconsciousness, from our past and nobody is responsible for them but us.
4. Look for patterns
Pay attention to where words don’t match up to actions. And don’t allow anyone to blind you to the truth of what’s happening. Manipulators are brilliant at taking advantage of your kind, forgiving heart.
When someone is constantly reminding you of all they’re doing or have done for you, but the reality doesn’t match the words…they are being manipulative.
When someone has excuse after excuse for the same bad behavior, however plausible the excuses might be…they are being manipulative.
Don’t buy into it. Seriously, be strong enough to know when it’s time to take better care of yourself.
5. Stop pretending it’s okay
When it becomes easier just to go along to get along and do what the manipulator wants the manipulators of the world can easily use this to their advantage. Do Not Do This.
It’s not okay. It’s never going to be okay however hard you try to make it so. This is a direct path to long term pain. Stop tiptoeing around them.
Accept this for too long and one day you’ll find yourself so entangled and co-dependent that you’ll forget you ever had any needs of your own, never mind your right to have your needs met.
6. It’s not you
Know this. No matter how often people imply you’re the problem.
You are not!
Their fear is the problem. They’re afraid of losing control or afraid of losing their victim. And yes, that would be you.
You are remarkable. You are deserving of someone who doesn’t fight dirty. Someone who isn’t passive aggressive. Someone who doesn’t tell half truths.
The problem lies in them…but it’s up to you to stand up for yourself and not allow yourself to be blamed for their conduct.
No matter how difficult it is, how terrible you feel, do not accept that this is your lot in life. You don’t have to accept the sulking, withdrawing or personal attacks.
The empty promises will keep piling up, the lies will never stop. It’s just what they do. And it’s up to you to stop falling for it.
Change can be hard. Getting away from manipulators can be excruciatingly difficult. I know…because I had to do it.
But living with the toxicity of manipulations is a health and well-being killer. Eventually it will make you sick.
You are allowed to walk away from anyone who abuses your goodwill and your love.
They will never be happy…even while you are being destroyed.
Don’t wait. Don’t hesitate to leave their space. It might be the only thing that will save your sanity because whilst you continue to accept the status quo you’ll keep being dragged back into their mind games.
Please don’t think, even for a second, that whatever is happening is fine and you can find a way to live with it. Be motivated enough to set yourself free from the chains of a manipulative relationship.
It wasn’t easy for me with a partner who used emotional blackmail and fear to scare me into staying. You absolutely have to decide you’re done with it and be firm no matter what. And it’s hard.
Turn to your friends and loved ones and allow them to remind you that life is beautiful and you’ve been missing out on a lot of living.
Talk to me.
Have you been in a manipulative or controlling relationship. How did you save your sanity? Share your stories in the comments below and help others who are going through something similar.
Encourage one another.