[success]Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgement of others. ~ Wayne Dyer[/success]
Have you ever wondered why life isn’t working out quite the way you imagined? You expected to have something great happen…but it didn’t? Or at least it didn’t seem to.
Maybe it’s because you were doing the same thing I did.
I’m about to share a story that doesn’t leave me covered in glory or smelling of roses…more like the stuff that makes roses grow so sweet. Hmmm maybe there’s a story right there. Dig beneath the dirt, you never know what sweet thing you’ll uncover.
If you’d rather not hear about me being a miserable little toad…then read no further…but for all you brave souls..this is the rest of the story.
You already know that each evening, my Darling One and I write down our assumptions for the next day. They can be anything from I shot an 82…and yes that would be him and his golf score to my day was filled with happy outcomes. You’re right that would be me.
So there I am choosing to have a day filled with happy outcomes…but that’s not enough for miss ‘gotta up my game’. Oh no.
I decided to experiment with something else.
I’d been paying attention to how much we judge and was thinking that if we got up in the morning and didn’t judge how well we slept, or how our body felt or looked and, even better, if we stayed in the state of non judgement all day it might turn out to be the greatest day of our life.
More posts to come on this topic, it’s such a juicy one.
But, currently…isn’t there some conflict here? I’m not going to judge and yet I’m looking for happy outcomes. Hmmm. You know I do this stuff, so you don’t have to. Right? You can thank me later.
I’m not suggesting we don’t need to make judgements about things that keep us from harm or prevent us from harming others. I was thinking more along the lines of let’s not judge us, our anyone else or any thing today.
So I set my day up. Every time I found myself judging anything, as good, not so good or bad I was simply going to say to myself no judgement.
Do you have any idea how many times I had to say ‘no judgement’ to myself? It was an eye opener, believe me. I discovered how often I judged things as good, or not so good. And I think of myself as genuinely non judgemental. Apparently not so much.
I was equally looking for my happy outcomes. The sales assistants in the store were very kind and went out of their way to help me today. Yippee – happy outcome. Had good news about family who’ve been sick. Yippee happy outcomes.
Yes I count everything big or small…I love them all, and yes it’s judging. But…excuse to follow…I had to take a minute to choose things that signified happy outcomes; I had assumptions to fulfill. And then I let everything go and moved back into the state of everything simply is, my non-judgement place.
If it sounds as though there’s a conflict here…there most definitely is.
Let’s see what my consciousness does with it.
Yes…the subconscious will even manage to mix and match conflicting ideas. Might be worthwhile checking yours, just in case there’s a conflict.
And where does the miserable toad part come in? Right here.
Take a look at what my subconscious objectified in my world.
My Darling One decided we should do the American thing and go to the Fair, well he is an American after all so it comes naturally to him. And we should eat our way around it. More of a concept thing than a reality…not the Fair, the eating our way around it. But I confess to taking a bite out of his pizza, his baked potato, his pulled pork sandwich and his deep fried snickers bar.
The car park was jam packed but we found someone who was leaving, so we pulled over, indicating we were waiting for that space and waited. Just as the car pulled out, some other person calmly drove right into the slot we’d been waiting for like a couple of lemons.
Now, I’m not exactly Zen but I am usually a calm easy going…can’t get too excited about stuff like this, kind of gal. Not this time. This time, my dander was up. Bloody cheek I said. And reached over and honked the horn.
Didn’t make the slightest difference to our little parking spot hijacker. But boy did it upset the man on the other side of us. He started to yell and gesticulate. Couldn’t hear what he was saying, but in my state of high dudgeon I gesticulated back and basically said on your bike. The equivalent I think to get lost.
Not my finest moment. But it gets worse.
Another space looked as though it was about to open up…you guessed it, right next to angry man.
I said we should take it anyway.
By the time we parked the car, miserable toad remorse had set in. What on earth was wrong with me, getting worked up over a parking spot and behaving like a crazy woman. Aha, consciousness at work..but sometimes we just can’t see it.
I’m going to apologize I said.
And I did. Well I tried to.
Me. I’m so sorry, it wasn’t my intention to upset you.
Him. My son – he had two children in a stroller. Aargh, feeling worse now. My son has just had ear implants. Feeling even worse if that were possible.
Me. I’m truly sorry.
Him. Just because we’re young, people think they can do anything.
Me. I’m very, very sorry.
Him. Life has been hard and people like you, pointing at hubby and me, are..
He had no words to describe the awfulness of people like us...
And I have cerebral palsy.
Okay, I really am a miserable wretch. Shoot me now.
Me. I’m so sorry. I’m responsible for honking the horn, not my husband.
Me. I’m very sorry for upsetting everyone…that wasn’t my intention.
Him. Hearing me now.
Thank you for saying that. No-one has ever done that before, treated me with respect. It takes a big person to say sorry. I hope you have a great time at the fair. Can I give you a hug.
He had tears in his eyes. And so did I.
No happy outcomes there. I’m judging myself and it’s not pretty.
And then my Darling One pointed out there was a happy outcome…someone was validated, someone felt respected, someone experienced something unusual in their current life experience, someone felt better about themselves, someone had a smile on their face as we left.
There are times when we actually do get what we ask for…maybe not in the way we thought we would and maybe we behave totally out of character in order to accomplish it. The Universe really does move in mysterious ways. There are no errors.
I stopped judging and opened up the space to see the sweetness under the dirt.
I saw how we each contributed to one another’s life in different ways. By his willingness to receive my apology he gave me a gift, and my willingness to apologise and not stop until he received it, dissolved the barriers between us. We entered that beautiful state of co-operation and contribution.
Life is working perfectly and is always about what we bring to it in consciousness. Removing the barriers between us allows the full abundance of life to flow.
Of course it’s much easier if we don’t start our day with conflicting desires; and there are times when we have to deal with delicate situations that we’ve created, because our consciousness will always be expressed in our world.
Let’s learn from and support one another along the way.
I’d love to hear about any experiences YOU’VE had where something at first seemed awful, but on reflection it was simply a contribution to life.
I’m looking forward to reading your genius comments ‘cos I know you’ll have something fabulous to share.
Encourage one another.
Hi dear Elle,
Your post grabbed me right at the core. I have spent my adult years trying to get my arms wrapped around my judgmental piece and slowly, step by step, try to abort it as it crops up and do as you said, say to yourself ‘no judgment’. A life time of work. I am constantly reminded how things can turn around in a second – in what looks like one of those ‘shoot- how did I get myself into this lousy situation?’ to a gratifying one. An example – when I first started rowing and was stuck in the water, one of the guys sitting on the second floor veranda shouted some directions to me but didn’t come down to help. I was scared to death – by the time I was out of the boat and went upstairs, I was – more than rude to him. Outcome? He helped me improve my rowing technique, was always there to help me, and over the past few years, we’ve become friends. In truth, I’m not sure if I hadn’t had that altercation if we would have ever formed a connection. Sometimes authenticity – even when being judgmental – can reap positive results. xxoo-Fran
What a great story Fran. If we can look back at the source of things, we often find how amazingly life unfolds for our long term benefit. And what a great resource your little altercation turned out to be. 🙂
What a beautiful story. I’ve experienced being in each position. I had an eye exam and got new glasses a couple of months ago. They told me they’d be ready in two weeks. Two weeks went by and when I called they said, “We meant 14 business days. 2 weeks doesn’t include weekends.
I was so mad. Felt directly lied too. Why don’t they say that!!! I let her know how mad I was;) I waited four more days and called again. Their reply, “Oh they were shipped today. Call back in two days.” Now I’m furious, say so and hang up the phone. Nope didn’t apologize.
Now it’s clear my lenses are too strong and they need to be changed. I have to go back! Argh! See the mess I got myself in? And my ego still tells me they’re wrong and deserved my anger.
I’ll be centering myself before I call today! I think I’ll go reread Fran’s post today as well;))
Funny Tess…not so long ago one of my friends had a little ‘bump’ in a rented car and was all worked up about it when they called the rental company. Didn’t get a great result. They decided to go your route and take a few deep breaths and imagine a great outcome before they called again. Results – happy outcome. So I’m imagining the same for you. Happy lens outcome all round. 🙂
Made my appt. yesterday. I’m holding a loving space until next Wed;) Honestly I chuckled the entire time I read your incident. Cuz I could relate!!!
This story resonates with me. I am CONSTANTLY catching myself in judgement mode, and don’t like myself while I’m in it. This was recently tested daily in my 2 month visit to Mozambique, Africa. The word that keeps surfacing when I’m in this mode is “inconsiderate.” I just find it so upsetting when others appear to behave without the slightest consideration for those around them. It stirs something angry and unpleasant inside of me. Yet I know that I am certainly not beyond reproach. I continue to be aware, and work on it.
The fact that you were in Africa doing your wonderful work speaks volumes Jonathan and usually when someone is less than considerate I can take a look at what in MY consciousness allows me to experience others in this way. Not this time. But of course I needed to be the way I was so I could experience both things in my consciousness. Lesson learned for me. 🙂
Oh Elle, thank goodness you wrote this one so I didn’t have to try! It’s a constant source of confusion to me and so until I become fully the Buddha (ha!) I shall possibly always find it a conflict. The only thing I have found for it so far is to not judge on the negative side, which has helped me enormously in the zen department. However just like everyone else I have my moments of unhealthy reaction to what shows up. Not having anything to judge in the positive department is tough and I just don’t get it yet. The best I can do is a calm happy reaction rather than a WAHOO reaction 🙂
I hear you Julie. I’m working towards being imperturbable, but it’s a loooong process. I’m a million miles away from being a full blown anything, let alone the Buddha…but I’m enjoying the process. We’re all little adventurers here methinks and I’m glad we’re sharing the journey.
This brought tears to my eyes, Elle. Thank you for walking your talk so beautifully and for being brave enough to share it all here with us. XO
Thanks for joining the conversation Jodi – as I know you do, we’re just keeping it real. Warts and all. 🙂
Your posts have really resonated with me lately. First the one where you couldn’t quite put your finger on it but you felt something wasn’t quite right (a few weeks ago) and now this one. I’m learning a few “life’s lessons” right now and trying to get beyond it and see the message in it all. I know I’ll looks back and understand it but now it’s hard. Thanks for sending me this message because it’s something I truly believe in and needed your reminders!
We must be part of the same soul family Betsy…and you’re so right that it can be a challenge. Sometimes we just can’t see the wood for the trees. And persistence is a wonderful tool. I just ‘know’ that we always get there…sometimes eventually…and sometimes a heck of a lot sooner. But believing we get there takes us all the way to the finish line. 🙂
Every time I read one of your posts, I think “This is the best one.” And that is exactly what I thought this time. You really know how to tell a story! And the story you told is one we can all relate to, as shown by the comments. You are not alone!!
Last summer I was confronted by a situation that was very tense and stressful. Instead of taking a deep breath and trying to bring peace, I stepped into the middle of it, gripped by fear and anger, and escalated the situation until it was way way out of control. It took me weeks to get myself back into my kumbaya happy place! On top of everything I became so judgmental about myself, even though I knew I was doing it! Wow. It was like a zen meltdown.
I think our practice is on the razor’s edge and sometimes we fall off and get cut in the process. It’s where we grow. You had enough presence on the spot to apologize and bring immediate healing. Who’s to say that that wasn’t more important and healing than if you had never honked in the first place?!
On another point, I was thinking about what you said about reconciling having intentions, like happy outcomes, with being nonjudgmental. I think you can do that. We all plan and have hopes, but it is possible, I think to not be attached to the outcome, to let the outcome be what it is. I think that’s what you did here.
Whew, you got me thinking here!
Thanks so much Galen…I truly appreciate your kind comments and you’re so right…we’re never alone are we? There’s always someone who’s experienced something similar…whatever it is.
Great addition to the conversation Galen…love your insights. 🙂