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Do you believe that it’s hard to find and keep a lasting love relationship?

Maybe you feel it’s impossible to meet the right partner, or that there is no right partner for you?

Let’s say that at some level you just can’t see yourself in a lasting, loving relationship what do you suppose your mind does with that information.

All those little thoughts you might have about relationships eventually become huge stories you tell yourself.

Our minds are great at distorting our perception of reality and ignore or dismiss any evidence that indicates the opposite.  Whatever the story. 

Tell yourself relationships never work, or you’re susceptible to ill health or abundance of any kind is out of the question for you and sure enough your mind will show you plenty of evidence that these beliefs you hold are real and true.

And worse, it works overtime to make sure this is the reality you experience.

Far too many people spend their life building walls instead of building bridges.  Don’t be one of them.

Open your heart, take small chances, be willing to turn one of your negative beliefs into a positive one and let this powerful mind of yours go about it’s business finding evidence to support that.

And gradually, over time your doubts will be proven wrong.

Begin at the beginning 

What goes on in your mind about lasting, loving relationships?

Do you expect perfection? Do you expect that sometimes the ones you love will  never disappoint?

We all have off moments, off days,  and even the most generous among us can sometimes be selfish, even the most confident can lose their confidence and even the most amenable can lose their temper.

We’re none of us perfect.  We make mistakes, we slip up, we have flaws.

We need some room to be human beings.

In just about every problem area you experience in life, you are the problem and you are the solution. And with that in mind I’d like you to stop assuming the worst.

What distinguishes lasting love relationships from those that end up shipwrecked is not so much the absence of everything being rosy all the time, but the interpretations made when we hit a rocky patch.

Giving your partner the space to be human, and not taking things personally when they’re occasionally out of sorts, or having a bad day, is a priceless, loving gift.

One that we all could use from time to time.

Intentions

From The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer

What you need in the way of the right people showing up will appear for you only when you’re ready and willing to receive them. They’ve always been there. They’re there right now. They’ll always be there. The questions you need to ask yourself are Am I ready? Am I willing?

We can’t receive what we don’t believe in, what we’re not willing to accept or say ‘yes’ to. And when we’re locked into some negative mindset about relationships…well fuhgeddaboudit!

I’ve been there.  And I know of what I speak.  I’ve experienced relationships where abuse was rampant and emotional pain a constant companion.  

But expecting more of the same is like creating an intention to experience more of the same.

You have to decide what reality you intend to live in. 

Do you plan to occupy the energy of resistance, or are you willing to rearrange your mind and your thinking towards the intention of giving and receiving lasting love?

When you can begin to come from the place of being open to experience all the love and validation you deserve you will begin to attract the  right people into your world.

Nurturing growth

When we look to see how well something is doing, we look for evidence of growth.

It’s the same for relationships.  Accepting and supporting our partner’s growth is a testament to a healthy relationship.

One that has two people committed to lifelong growth and expansion.  One that affords the other the freedom to develop and grow themselves individually, as well as supporting growth in their relationship.

This is the hallmark of the longest lasting loving relationships I know.  Whereas many of the relationships I’ve seen that don’t go the distance are those where the partners fail to sustain their love and growth. Or feel that their freedom has been compromised in some way.

But here’s a simple truth.

In a truly loving, lasting and healthy relationship, you need a willingness to be vulnerable and know it isn’t an opportunity for your partner to exert power, but a chance to make, or make allowances for, amends. 

These moments lead to greater closeness and growth. These moments are often the birthplace of genuine heartfelt love and the source of joy, belonging and true authenticity in a relationship that do more than define, they allow us to grow.

lasting-love

Construct a new vision

Two of my friends were talking about their relationships.  One was unhappily involved with a beer guzzling, resentful and lazy partner so much so that they rarely did anything together.  The other had a relationship with a partner who was supportive, kind and happy to share and experience new ways to grow their relationship.

As they put their heads together for how to improve the unhappy relationship, they came up with the idea of constructing a new relationship vision.

This was more along the lines of having a partner who couldn’t wait to help and support, loved to do things together as a family and was happy to find ways to make their relationship more fulfilling for both of them.

I’d love to tell you that the partner in this unhappy relationship took one look at this vision and jumped right in with both feet to work together to make it happen.

Sadly, no.  They stomped off, slamming the door behind them, which in effect closed the door on their relationship.

While we can’t change our partners, we can change our level of acceptance.  You and you alone are responsible for the vision you hold for your life.  Ideally both people in a relationship will have the same or a similar vision and will work towards bringing it to life.

When I say acceptance, don’t run away with the idea that this means acceptance of verbal, emotional or physical abuse. Regular insults, accusations and criticisms and most definitely physical abuse eat away at our self-esteem. Please do not tolerate this. This is not acceptance this is victimhood.

And once again, I know of what I speak.  Though I wasn’t one of the friends in this story, it was a story I was all too familiar with. Except in the end I was the one slamming the door on an abusive relationship.

Today, I am the happiest woman on the planet, married as I am to someone to whom I can open my heart fully and receive love and respect in return. And with whom I share a vision of our ever growing lasting love. May this be true for you, if this is your desire.

Lasting love in action

Love is an action, a doing word.  In a healthy long lasting relationship two people love more than they need.  

They support the growth of the other and are willing to practice honesty, acceptance, being present, listening as much as they speak on a daily basis and they are able to focus more on the positive aspects of their partner than the negative.

“What would love do?” is the question to be asked and answered in our daily relationship experiences.

The practice of love often gets overlooked in the busy, hectic world we dwell in…so I’m sharing a simple evening ritual that we practice in our household.

Each night before sleep we speak out loud to one another the things we are thankful for, the things our partner means to us, what we are grateful for about them and our life together.  

This small, short practice has become part of the fabric of our love that grows it more every day.

Each day we think we cannot love the other any more…and then we do.

Ask anyone you know who is in a lasting love relationship and they will no doubt tell you that the greatest relationships are about the wonderful and the challenging, the disagreements and the compromises and the willingness to still say, hand on heart, I love you at the end of every day.

Here’s a video that deals with intention and focus and allowing. I hope you enjoy it.

Encourage one another.

Love Elle

xox

Elle Sommer
Elle is the creator of Live Purposefully Now, a website with a wide variety of authors and topics whose focus is on helping you to change/re-direct and navigate your life. She is a self-confessed spiritual junkie, offering a deeper more holistic approach to life. This deeper approach sets you on a simple path towards your greatest future, helps you remove those limiting beliefs that hold us all back and supports you in achieving your dreams.
Elle Sommer

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10 Comments

  1. A beautiful post, Elle! I loved the practice that and your partner do before going to bed at night. I definitely have negative views about romantic relationships at this point in my life, so you’ve given me so much to think about! Thank you so much for that!

    • Hi Sandra…I remember way back in my past having powerful negative beliefs about relationships, and gradually as I became more aware (more by luck than judgement I think!) just being open to possibilities invited them into my life, and the rest is history.

  2. Thank you for this inspiring post, Elle. I’m glad you to walk away from the unhealthy relationship and learn and grow into the wonderful one you have now. I’m about 15 years out of the unhealthy relationship and I am still happy alone. I don’t know that I’ll ever want another one, but maybe I could change. I certainly will want one that allows for growth and change and that is encouraging and something we both put effort into, like you have described.

    • Hi Debbie – I totally get where you’re coming from in life. And how lovely to know that you are open to change and haven’t closed that door for ever. I for my part can highly recommend moving into that open mindset, it’s truly a wonderful energy to operate from in the world.

  3. Paul Fieler Reply

    Elle,

    Such a lucid take on a successful and ever growing relationship. I was moved because I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum — my current relationship is more aligned with your prescription — and had always wondered why, after 30 years, I couldn’t fix the previous one. Now I know I didn’t try hard enough. Being much older and calmer now, I employ your suggestions, although borne from maturity rather than wise guidance such as yours. Your article thankfully reaffirms I’m doing the right thing.

    Kudos on the sound advice. Many thanks!

    • Hi Paul – I’m so happy to hear about your successful and happy relationship. That’s definitely a wonderful place to be, as we both can attest. May your words give hope to others who are struggling with relationships today. 🙂

  4. PJ Hashcem Reply

    “We can’t change our partners but we can change our levels of acceptance”
    As I twirled that one around in my mind, I discovered an additional facet of it to the one you proffer so strongly in your article.
    I viewed it as “what would I accept to truly experience Love?” And of course I agree that abuse of any kind or level is not acceptable. What I mean is – would I accept letting go of my pre-determined outlines of a loving relationship ? Would I be willing to go beyond that ? Would I be willing to not surrender myself but rather to give up the parts of my ego that served as walls to my heart? As you put it, would I be willing to construct a new vision ?
    Your article has generated so many wonderful exciting questions for me . . .Thanks, Elle !

    • Hi P.J I love what you say about being willing to give up parts of your ego that proved to be a barrier to love. Very thought provoking comment. Thank you. 🙂

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