My friend called me the other day, absolutely fuming about something that had happened at Tesco. She’d popped in for a quick shop and was wearing this gorgeous leopard print dress (her latest Temu find) that she’d been excited to try out.
She described how she was quietly minding her own business, debating between brands of pasta (the important decisions in life), when she overheard two women nearby. One nudged the other and said, “Bit much for grocery shopping, don’t you think?” followed by some giggles.
My friend told me she immediately felt like leaving the shop and started second-guessing everything. Should she have worn something more neutral? Was she being too much? Did everyone think she was trying too hard just to buy groceries?
“I spent the rest of my shop feeling self-conscious,” she said. “Can you believe I let two strangers I’ll never see again ruin my mood over a dress I actually love?”
And honestly? I could absolutely believe it. Because we’ve all been there, haven’t we?
In fact, until fairly recently, I’d been living my entire life like I needed a permission slip from strangers to exist. And honestly – that’s exhausting.
Why We Care So Much About Others’ Opinions (Spoiler: It’s Not Your Fault)
Here’s the thing – caring what others think is literally hardwired into our brains. Back when we lived in caves (not the trendy kind you see on Instagram), being rejected by the group meant death. So our brains developed this lovely little survival mechanism that makes us constantly scan for disapproval.
The problem is, our brains haven’t gotten the memo that Brenda from accounting rolling her eyes at your lunch choice isn’t actually a threat to your survival.
This fear of judgment shows up everywhere:
- You don’t speak up in meetings (even though your idea is brilliant)
- You wear what you think others want to see, not what makes you feel amazing
- You apologise for existing approximately 47 times a day
- You second-guess every decision based on imaginary criticism
Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.
The Real Cost of People-Pleasing (It’s Higher Than You Think)
Let me introduce you to my friend Sarah (name changed because, you know, privacy). Sarah spent so much energy trying to be what everyone else wanted that she literally forgot who she was. She’d change her opinions based on whoever she was talking to, say yes to everything (even things she hated), and basically became a human chameleon.
The result? She was miserable. Constantly seeking validation from others while her authentic self slowly disappeared.
Oh wait, that reminds me – did you see that TikTok trend where people were sharing their “Roman Empire” (the thing they think about constantly)? Mine is definitely how much mental energy we waste worrying about what Karen from the grocery store thinks of our trolley contents (“cart” contents for my American friends). Like, Karen, mind your business. I need those three bags of Doritos for very important reasons.
But seriously, the approval-seeking behaviour we develop costs us:
- Our authentic relationships (hard to connect when you’re performing all the time)
- Career opportunities (can’t shine when you’re hiding)
- Mental peace (constant anxiety is not the vibe)
- Time and energy we could spend on things that actually matter
Step 1: Recognise Your People-Pleasing Patterns
Before you can stop caring what others think, you need to catch yourself in the act. It’s like trying to quit any habit – awareness is step one.
Start paying attention to these moments:
- When you change your mind after someone disagrees with you (even though you were confident before)
- When you dress for other people instead of yourself
- When you apologise for things that aren’t your fault
- When you avoid expressing your true thoughts or feelings
I keep a little note in my phone where I jot down these moments. Not in an obsessive way (okay, maybe slightly obsessive), but just to notice the patterns. Last week, I caught myself apologising to a door I walked into. A door. That’s when you know the people-pleasing has gone too far!
Step 2: Question the Voice in Your Head
You know that inner critic that sounds suspiciously like your worst enemy? Yeah, we need to have a talk with them.
Every time you catch yourself spiralling about what someone might think, ask yourself:
- Is this actually true, or am I making assumptions? (Spoiler: it’s usually assumptions)
- Does this person’s opinion actually matter to my life?
- What would I tell my best friend if they were worried about this?
Here’s something wild I learned: most people are way too busy worrying about what YOU think of THEM to spend much time judging you. It’s like we’re all walking around in this weird judgment circle, but nobody’s actually in the middle, throwing stones.
Actually, you know what? Let me rephrase that because it sounds too philosophical and I’m not trying to be Deepak Chopra over here. What I mean is – everyone’s too busy dealing with their own stuff to spend that much mental energy on your choices.
Step 3: Practice the “So What?” Method
This is my favourite technique for building self-confidence, and it’s delightfully simple. When you catch yourself caring too much about someone’s opinion, literally ask yourself: “So what?”
Let’s practice:
- “What if people think my outfit is weird?” So what? You’re comfortable and feel good.
- “What if my coworkers think my idea is stupid?” So what? At least you contributed instead of staying silent.
- “What if people judge me for eating alone at this restaurant?” So what? You’re getting great food and a peaceful time.
The “so what?” method isn’t about being rude or dismissive – it’s about putting things in perspective. Because honestly, what’s the worst that happens? Someone has a thought about you that you’ll probably never even know about? That’s it?
Step 4: Find Your People (They’re Out There, I Promise)
One of the best ways to stop worrying about what others think is to surround yourself with people who like you for who you actually are. Revolutionary concept, I know.
Life’s too short to hang out with people who make you feel like you need to audition just to exist. Is that a meme I read somewhere? If it isn’t, it should be!
Look for people who:
- Celebrate your wins instead of competing with them
- Don’t try to change you or offer “helpful” criticism you didn’t ask for
- Make you feel energised, not drained
- Accept your quirks (we all have them – mine include talking to my plants and having strong opinions about how people load dishwashers)
And here’s the kicker – when you find your tribe, you’ll naturally care less about what random strangers think because you’ll have authentic relationships that actually fulfil you.
Step 5: Set Boundaries Like Your Mental Health Depends on It (Because It Does)
This is where things get real. Setting boundaries means saying no to people, situations, and behaviours that make you feel like you need to perform or hide who you are.
Some boundaries to consider:
- “I’m not going to explain or justify my personal choices to people who aren’t directly affected by them.”
- “I won’t change my appearance, interests, or values to make others comfortable.”
- “I don’t need to be liked by everyone, and that’s okay.”
The hardest part about boundaries? Some people won’t like them. And guess what? That’s not your problem to solve. (I’m still learning this one, by the way, work in progress over here.)
Step 6: Practice Self-Compassion (Even When You Mess Up)
Here’s something nobody talks about enough: you’re going to backslide. You’ll have moments where you care way too much about what someone thinks, and that’s normal. Self-acceptance isn’t about being perfect – it’s about being kind to yourself when you’re not.
I still have days where I overthink a text message for twenty minutes or wonder if I laughed too loud at that meeting. The difference now is that I catch myself faster and don’t spiral for hours (well, usually not for hours).
We all get caught up in caring about things that don’t actually matter. A quick surf through the socials proves that even celebrities care what people think, and they have millions of fans. So maybe we can cut ourselves some slack.
The Freedom You Didn’t Know You Were Missing
Want to know the best part about learning how to not care what others think? It’s not that you become some emotionless robot who doesn’t care about anything. It’s that you finally have the energy to care about the right things.
Instead of spending mental energy on:
- Whether your neighbour approves of your garden choices
- If strangers think you’re cool enough
- Whether you’re living up to everyone else’s expectations
You get to focus on:
- Building relationships that actually matter
- Pursuing goals that excite YOU
- Living authentically instead of performing constantly
- Having opinions and expressing them (revolutionary!)
It’s like decluttering your brain. Marie Kondo would be proud!
What This Actually Looks Like in Real Life
This isn’t about becoming someone who doesn’t care about anything. That’s not healthy either. It’s about building confidence to distinguish between opinions that matter and opinions that don’t.
Opinions that matter:
- Feedback from people who know you well and want the best for you
- Professional feedback that helps you grow
- Constructive input, you’ve actually asked for
Opinions that don’t matter:
- Random judgments from strangers
- Criticism from people who don’t know your full story
- Negative comments from people who aren’t living the life you want
The goal isn’t to become immune to all feedback – it’s to develop the self-esteem to filter what’s useful and what’s just noise.
When It Gets Hard (Because It Will)
Some days you’ll nail this whole “not caring what others think” thing. Other days, you’ll find yourself googling “is it weird to eat cereal for dinner” at 2 AM because someone made a comment about your eating habits. (For the record, cereal for dinner is perfectly valid. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.)
The key is progress, not perfection. Every time you choose authenticity over approval, you’re building that confidence muscle. Every time you speak up instead of staying quiet, you’re practising self-worth. Every time you wear what makes you happy instead of what you think others want to see, you’re choosing yourself.
And honestly? Choosing yourself is one of the most radical things you can do in a world that’s constantly trying to tell you who to be.
Actually, you know what? I just realised I’ve been rambling about confidence while simultaneously second-guessing whether this article is too long or too casual or too whatever. The irony is not lost on me. But I’m keeping it because this is exactly what authenticity looks like – messy, imperfect, and real.
So here’s my challenge for you: pick one small way you can change how you’ve been performing for others instead of being yourself. Maybe it’s wearing an outfit you love but think others might judge. Maybe it’s sharing an opinion you’ve been keeping quiet. Maybe it’s just saying “no” to something you don’t actually want to do.
Start small. Being able to stop caring what others think isn’t something you master overnight – it’s a practice. And like any practice, some days you’ll be better at it than others.
What’s one thing you’ve been afraid to do because of what others might think? And more importantly, what would you do today if you knew for sure that everyone else was too busy worrying about their own stuff to judge you?
Because plot twist: they probably are.
