[success]Live out of your imagination, not your history. ~ Steven Covey.[/success]
Today is encouragement day, and let’s face it we all need a little encouragement every now and then.
This month my friend Victor Schueller, otherwise known as the Professor of Positivity and Possibility is leading the way so without further ado over to you Victor:
Sometimes people are amazed that in as few as five minutes of work they can turn around a relationship problem that has existed for years. Unfortunately for some, amazement is not the word used to describe their experience. Sometimes people describe it politely as a frustration over many unnecessary years spent in anguish and suffering.
Does it really take only five minutes? In some cases, yes. In some cases it takes longer. It’s hard to say (and as they say in the commercials…results may vary.) But, my question in response is, “Why does it have to take more than five minutes?”
Change your mind
I’ve found that the key to success in turning around relationship issues is changing a mindset. There is no established time frame that one needs to follow in order to reverse suffering. There is no rule that says that the longer one has struggled the longer it takes to find a solution to the problem.
In reality, we actually do have all the tools already in place to make any sort of change we wish to in order to improve any aspect of our lives. It’s just a matter of that upon which we choose to place our focus.
Watch your focus
In my opinion, here’s the key: Our success in turning around our unsuccessful and unhappy ways resides in realizing that there is an embarrassment of riches that awaits those who focus on the enjoyment of having the riches, instead of wishing for the riches.
I’ll put it in another way: As long as we focus on the pursuit, we will struggle to find the treasure that is in all of us. As long as we continue to resist, what it is that we resist will persist. All of our wildest ambitions are waiting for us just beyond the gap.
Recognize the gap
You may be wondering what I mean by the gap. The gap, as I define it, is that space between what we currently have (and don’t care to have) and what we don’t have (but care to have).
If you find yourself engaged in a heated conversation or argument with your spouse on a daily basis, that’s what you currently have (and don’t care to have). What you don’t have, but care to have are regular conversations that are civilized, respectful, compassionate, loving, and free of arguing.
The gap resides between the two. Conventional problem solvers would tell you that in order to “fix” the problem you need to establish an action plan or create a goal to help you bridge or close the gap.
However, in my humble opinion, when you spend so much time and energy focusing on what it is that you want (and don’t have), you are spending an awful lot of time focusing on what you currently lack. This focus is an energy drainer instead of a motivator.
This is where we can struggle to manifest our desires. So you may now be wondering how can we utilize this concept of moving beyond the gap to improve a relationship problem like this. We can do this by using four simple words:
How can I help?
You have no idea how the simple use of these four words can dramatically change your life. Let me explain:
Let’s say that you are talking with your significant other, and she becomes angry with you because you are planning on going out with your friends for a night on the town. She says, angrily, Sure, you can go ahead and spend time with your friends, but you won’t even find time to go out to dinner with me. Thanks a lot.
It’s really easy to listen to this and get your feathers in a bunch. However, may I suggest hearing through the angry words and listening to what it is she is really saying to you. I believe that she’s really saying, Can I please have some alone time with you?
If you can hear this through the anger, and use the four words, how can I help, it can transform this exchange. The how can I help might be said like this, Well, I have tonight already scheduled, but would you be willing to work with me to schedule a date where just the two of us can go out and have a good time?
By doing this, you are embodying compassion, love, respect, and empathy. You are living beyond the gap. You are no longer focusing on what it is that you want, but don’t have, because you’re already there. You are already resonating with and feeling the feelings you know are part of any successful and thriving relationship.
Keeping the end in mind
Instead of focusing on where your relationship is falling short you are focusing on the riches of successful relationships. You are actually resonating with the seeds of a thriving and loving relationship.
Instead of receiving reminders yet again about what your relationship lacks, you are enjoying the embarrassment of riches of your relationship, which were at your disposal the whole time.
Focus on what is, not what isn’t. Get out of your head and move down to your heart. Open your heart to compassion, love, patience, and respect. Resonate with those loving feelings. Learn to listen through the hurt and anger to hear the ‘please.’ Throw in those four simple words, how can I help?
You can enjoy the abundant riches of a wonderful relationship at any time. All you have ever wanted is right there, just waiting to be discovered and used. It’s right there, just beyond the gap.
By making the simple switch from wanting something, to already being there, you will change your resonance to that which fosters the love and compassion or anything else you’ve always wanted.
It’s time to enjoy the riches of your relationships and life in general. Don’t wish for love — be love that has always been there. Don’t pray for understanding — embody understanding that has always existed. Don’t hope for change — become change that has already taken place. You’ll be amazed at how wonderful your life can really be once you can see yourself already there.
What say you? Share in the comments below your tips or strategies for shifting from wanting to having and move beyond the struggle.
You are the best, thanks for reading, sharing and welcoming Victor. Oh yes, and thanks for caring enough to share your wisdom with the rest of us. We learn and grow from each other.
Encourage one another.
Love Elle
[success] 
Dr. Victor Schueller is the “Professor of Positivity and Possibility.” As a coach, speaker, and author, Victor helps people learn how to deal with life’s tough situations to find inner peace.
Victor’s primary focus is on helping people improve their lives through improving how they communicate with others, as well as helping people understand the tremendous powers of belief and perception.
Dr. Schueller is an award-winning blogger and hosts his own radio show, “Positively Empowered Radio.” Victor lives in Kiel, Wisconsin with his wife and two daughters. You can find out more about Victor at his website www.victorschueller.com[/success]
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17 Comments
Hi elle; thanks for sharing victor’s post with us. And victor thanks for trying to help us all have better relationships. This sounds like those motivational speakers who address people with business problems by saying to see yourself as already being successful. I am pretty good with it in professional terms but could do better with it in my personal relationships especially those with my mother younger brother and nephew who i live with. And to his example about working with your partner to schedule a night for just the to of them. He should actually pick a date and start discussing with her what she wants to do on that night. Anticipation can help with passing the time until that day or night comes. And isn’t it something how so many successful couples including our current first family aware by the importance of having a regular date night for just you and your spouse? thanks again and take care, Max
Hi Max and thanks for your sharing your wisdom. Victor did a great job making clear the value of not get caught up in anything other than the way you want things to be, and yes, it most definitely applies to all areas of our life doesn’t it. And by keeping our focus on this, it more easily smoothes the way in our life. Living in the flow of good things is a great place to be. 🙂
Max,
It’s great to meet you. Thanks for reading, and thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. By actually feeling like it has already been done, it will help us resonate with that which we wish to accomplish. Thanks again.
Hi Elle,
This is a very good article from your guest Dr. Victor Schueller which I didn’t know. It’s interesting that I know someone who has relationship issues who could use this article for insight. I will definitely share this with me.
I agree that we can solve a problem faster than we think and fixing it now is better than later. I think that’s a belief that most of us have thinking that everything takes time.
Thanks for sharing.
Hi Sylviane I’m so glad that Victor’s article can be supportive to your friend. As I said in my comment to Max that keeping our focus on the experience we want to have rather than the one that we could have that wouldn’t be so good is the way to go in all areas of our life. Hoping your friend can make use of the information that Victor shared. 😀
Hello Sylviane,
It’s great to meet you. Thank you so much for reading my post and taking the time to let me know your thoughts. I am so delighted that you think that this may be helpful for someone you know. It warms my heart to know you feel it may be of benefit.
Thanks so much and best wishes to you.
-Victor
It’s about taking responsibility for ones own actions and reframing by using the four words ought to make a profound difference. I will try it…thanks.
Hi Deepak and I appreciate you taking the time to leave your thoughts. So glad Victor’s article is helpful to you. 🙂
Hi Deepak,
It’s so nice to meet you here on Elle’s site.
You’re right — moving into a state of personal responsibility is something that really can empower us to make dramatic changes to our lives. Sometimes we don’t realize the true power we possess by making simple changes to our perspective.
Thanks again for stopping by and taking the time to chat. Take care.
-Victor
Hi Elle & Victor,
I enjoyed this post and very good suggestions for moving beyond not having to having. Where you are placing your focus is crucial, by continually focusing on everythng that is wrong, you keep yourself stuck there.
I like your idea of instead asking yourself “How Can I Help” thus taking your focus away from the actual situation and reacting in anger and fustration, and instead going within and seeking the solution to what you can do to help therefore choosing to respond consciously, this will have a wonderful affect on your relationship (all Relationships for that matter).
It is also important to never look for another as your source of happiness and value. If you are aware that your happiness, value and self-worth all come form within, you can love another deeply but also remain unattached, this then leaves you absolutely free to love unconditionally and free from fear and insecurity.
Thanks for sharing Victor & Elle
Clare
Hi Clare, wow your words are so wise. This is great counsel for anyone wondering what’s going on in their relationship. It always boils down to who we are doesn’t it. It’s the being that really matters here and the doing stems from our being. So once we get that right, the rest falls easily into place.
It’s tough to have the most amazing relationships in the world with some of the stuff we believe and feel that is less than loving to ourselves or others.
Well said Clare. 🙂
Clare,
Your comments are so welcomed, and so right on.
I understand and agree completely when you say that we are better served to not allow others to control our level of happiness. When we look for that “external” and “false” self esteem, it disempowers us and leaves us frustrated and hopeless. Great observation.
It’s nice meeting you. I wish you the best. Take care!
-Victor
This is incredibly beautiful, Victor. It’s really simply as you say although it will take time and training for most of us to change our pattern of reaction it’s absolutely doable. Elle, this is definitely encouragement day!
Hi Sandra, I’m so happy you were encouraged by Victor…he certainly has loads of wisdom to share. Maybe you’ll consider being our Encourager of the month some soon day? 🙂
Sandra,
It’s delightful to see you here. Thank you for your kind words.
You hit the nail right on the head. It is simple in principle, but oh so difficult in practice. It does take a long time to get in the swing of this type of communicating and thinking.
I am delighted to hear you felt this post was encouraging. I hope you’re doing well, and I wish you the best!
-Victor
Hi Victor,
This thought is so succinctly put.So elegantly crafted and expressed in words,that i feel,as if the fabric of this concept has seeped nito the interspaces between my individual thoughts.Because what you have conveyed here is exactly what each speck of consciousness in the univerese understands very clearly,and yet has chosen to relegate it to the depths of a forgotten realm.And all the while it is not forgotten.Particularly at the human conscoiusness level the forgetfulness of this insight is absolutely deliberate yet unconscious.
we are all suffering from the “gap’ syndrome.And it needs to be bridged ALL the time.
Thanks for reminding.
Thanks for this lovely post Elle
Regards
Mona
Mona,
Your words are so warming to my heart. I thank you for taking the time to let me know your thoughts.
Isn’t it fascinating that this is a way of communicating that is there within us all, and is natural in so many ways, yet, as you had said, lies there in the forgotten? I really hope that as time moves on, more and more people can move from leaving this type of thinking and communicating amongst the forgotten and into the living, breathing, and loving aspects of ourselves.
Thanks again for stopping by!
-Victor