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Research says a brilliant, lasting relationship boils down to a couple of things.

And I have seen how this applies not only to romantic relationships, but to friendships and family relationships also, despite the fact that most of the research I share below was based on the science of marital therapy.

So don’t skip this article because you’re not currently in a romantic relationship, marriage or partnership, I promise there will be something here for you too!

With that said, the reigning King of Marriage Research, Professor John Gottman is the one we turn to for all things relationships.

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He did the research, got the data and wrote the book: The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy.

He knows what produces lasting brilliant relationships and what dooms them.

And as I say, I have seen how this has been applied in my own family, and I’m not talking romance here.  Some things are universal.

Let’s dive in…

Communication matters, but only sometimes

We’ve all heard that in any relationship speaking openly and honestly is the way to keep your relationship on track. 

Ah, but wait just a second.

Giving feedback might be a handy tool, but the kind of feedback matters.  Far too often the feedback is negative.

Just remember you don’t want to be right, you just want to be happy.

I’m happy, I’m positive, I’m positively happy

The best relationships have ‘negative sentiment vetoes’, which basically mean you are biased towards the positive aspects of your partner, or family member or friend.

When they do something negative your perspective is that it was a momentary lapse, and situational.

Something happened to mess with their natural positivity. Basically you see them as who they really are, the lovely person that you know so well.

Positivity comes before problem solving.

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Negative Neds or Nellies – be warned

The opposite is true in relationships that have ‘positive sentiment vetoes.’

When you reach this point in a relationship even well meant and normally what’s considered to be a good thing are seen through a negative light.

You have a gift for me. How lovely, thank you, is not what’s said. Giving me presents. That’s suspicious.

Or why would you get me this when you know I wanted that?

Giving the benefit of the doubt, choosing to believe the best, makes for fewer problems.

Makes sense doesn’t it?

Look for the good and you tend to find it

Create a brilliant relationship culture

That’s what it takes…the creation of your relationship culture.

There’s an agreement in all relationships, sometimes spoken sometimes unspoken. Don’t just break it because you want to remake it.

Share your new goals, or rules and work out what will work for you both.  

Create your own little world that works well for both of you, with your own rituals or symbols that mesh your relationship together.

I’ve talked before about the evening ritual we have in our world, and you can find it here.

Turn towards a lasting brilliant relationship

Each time you are together there is a request for connection.

Those who turn towards more often than away have a far greater chance of maintaining a lasting happy relationship. Be it with a family member, friend or lover.

The connection request can be simple. You’re in the middle of something, or reading or on a device and a question is asked, or something is pointed out.

Don’t just give a part of your attention.  This is easy to do, I know, I’ve done it myself. But it isn’t respectful and it isn’t appreciative of the other.

Stop what you’re doing, and give all your attention. That’s turning towards.

It’s the little things that turn out to be the big things in relationships.

Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.

So says John M. Gottman, Eight Dates: A Plan for Making Love Last Forever

And this is relevant to us all whether we are talking about friendships born of love, or family or romantic relationships. The little things always matter the most.

Be the one you want

Sounds weird I know. But the best relationships begin with you. They begin with your own self-development.

If you want someone to be kind, you too have to be kind.

If you want some respect, you have to have respect not just for them, but for you.

Basically you want to live in the energy of being the one you’d like to spend time with.

Not that you need to be perfect.  Who is? But in order to have that brilliant, lasting relationship you have to embody the qualities you’d like to experience.

Become a magnet for attracting the energy you want to experience in all your relationships.

Constant generosity and kindness count

Albert Schweitzer said it so much better than I could:

Constant kindness can accomplish much.  As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate.

Kindness isn’t a fixed trait, something you’re born with or not. It’s more like a muscle, naturally stronger in some than others. But like any muscle the more it’s exercised the stronger it becomes.

Kindness and generosity go hand in hand. Kindness is generosity in action.

Want to know what does hurt relationships according to Professor Gottman?

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Criticism  and/or contempt

You get to complain, (no, it shouldn’t be a habit) you don’t get to criticize.

If you really want to mess up your relationships make the complaint personal. You always, you never, or the problem with you is…and you’ll be well on your way to undermining your relationship.

Contempt is sending the message that the other person isn’t as good as you.

Or they don’t know as much as you.

That eye-rolling thing that teenagers do because, well they’re kids, doesn’t work out so well for adults.

The sarcastic come-back that teens are so good at, is only going to cause problems.

According to the professor, contempt isn’t found in relationships that last.

So here we are, back to positivity. It matters because the negative never solves anything.

And there you have it – these 8 things can guide you towards having a brilliant lasting relationship…

  • Watch your feedback
  • Positivity resolves problems
  • Look for the good
  • Create a nurturing relationship culture
  • Answer requests
  • Be the one you’d want to be around
  • Kindness counts
  • Ditch the criticism and/or contempt

I give the last word to Professor Gottman:

Admit when you’re wrong. Shut up when you’re right.

Encourage one another.

Love Elle

xox

Elle Sommer
Elle Sommer is the author of 3 books and a workbook. Her latest is The Power of Consciousness, which is book one of a series. And when she's not searching for the secrets of the Universe or discovering a new technique that supports her growth and life expansion, she's on a mission to support others to become the best version of themselves. She shares quotes, inspiration and positive vibes on Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest. Her greatest desire is to encourage and inspire others to create not just a good life, but a phenomenal life.

10 Comments

  1. Very interesting! For the most part, these 8 things are common sense. But so many of us trip up on them if we aren’t education on how to have a healthy relationship. Being a Virgo, I can definitely be critical. Have to watch that one! Thanks for sharing these, Elle.

  2. Terry Jarvis Reply

    Hello Elle –
    Thank you for the invigorating article.
    I’ve heard folks speak of how they tried to “love their partner more but it didn’t work because the partner’s behavior didn’t change”.
    They should read your article and pay close attention to, “be the one you want”.
    Don’t most of us want a partner who will love us without ego constructed boundaries ?
    I am currently in a Loving relationship that is amazing because we both have decided to just Love one another.
    It was a bit frightening to “become the one we wanted” as we opened ourselves up to just Love and be Loved, no matter what.
    The investment in doing that has paid and continues to pay huge dividends.
    Trust . . . Release the ego constraints of the past . . . Let Love Rule . . . Mahalo

    • Oh wow Terry, your comment brought tears to my eyes. I’m so happy for you that you opened your heart to love and it’s turned out so well.

  3. This is such good advice, especially “be the one you want.” In my marriage, we both were not emotionally intelligent and made so many hurtful mistakes. “Look for the good” and “kindness counts” are so important in relationships..and life!.

    • I like your additions Debbie. Look for the good and kindness counts so much in life as well as in relationships. 🙂

  4. Such great advice Elle! We all definitely need this advice from time to time. Relationships, while incredibly satisfying can be very hard when we are not in sync. Your advice here is gold for those times.

  5. Hi Elle, to say that I resonate with your blogs would be an understatement. I am a freelance writer and would love to write for you. Is there a way to contact you?

    • Hi Megha, you can find in the menu on the website a way to contact us for a possible guest article. Look forward to hearing from you. 🙂

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