conscious loving relationshipYou’ve met those couples…

The ones who seem to have the most remarkable relationship.  

A conscious, loving relationship.

The relationship you thought you’d have, but somehow, for some reason that you don’t understand, it hasn’t materialized for you.

It’s troubling and a problem that plagues a lot of people on the planet.

It isn’t that you need to have someone around to validate you, but why can’t you experience that blazingly brilliant, conscious, loving, joy filled relationship you keep hearing about?

And what exactly does that look like anyway?  Never having had it, it’s hard to know how the lucky few who do experience it, create it, and best of all maintain it.

What is the recipe for this conscious, loving relationship that everyone seeks?

These are the things I learned as I careened my way from one rocky relationship to another into my last and final romance.  A totally conscious, loving relationship.

1. The We-Attitudes

Above all, you must have a ‘we-attitude’ in your relationship.

 Recognizing that there’s you, me and we, is essential if you’re to experience a conscious loving relationship.

Far too often we get caught up with the ‘me’ element, where I’m the most important person who needs to get what they want. And other times the ‘you’ element takes over where I’m downgrading my needs to fit what you want.

Leaving ‘we’ out in the cold.

The ‘we’ of a relationship is the core, the strength, the miracle of the relationship and the best question to ask when in doubt as to what should be done even in the most seemingly unsolvable situations is…what most benefits our ‘we?’

2. Stop competing

A competitive personal relationship can’t and won’t flourish.  You’ve seen it before, maybe even experienced it.

One person has a big success or happy experience and the other one makes it all about them. Instead of congratulations petty jealousy rears its ugly head.

This competitiveness in your relationship needs to be thrown out and replaced with co-operation and celebration for the wins of the other.

There’s no way to create a joy filled, conscious relationship with someone who’s totally involved in their ‘me’.

Keeping the focus on connection, on co-operation, deepens the bonds we make of our heart and soul and mind.

The stronger the bond, the more beautiful the relationship tapestry that we weave.

And best of all we’re in it together.  I guarantee dear ones…it’s a win/win.

3. Don’t try to extricate joy

can't force love

If your happiness depends on you squeezing as much joy out of your partner as possible you’re trying to live the impossible dream.

At the heart of all great love stories lies a spirit based consciousness.

With a mindset that is always moving forward toward growing joy and greater emotional connection.

And this begins within.

Because here’s the real beauty of it.

When you discover the source of joy in life lies in you, your relationship becomes about sharing that joy with another. Not trying to extricate a few drops at a time out of someone else.

How could you possibly have anything other than a conscious loving relationship with anyone if you were there to share your joy with them?

4. The final practice

A conscious loving relationship is a daily dance.

A ritual of appreciation, honesty, acceptance, communication, and opening and stretching your heart and soul by showing up and growing beyond who you both used to be.

Sadly too many of us never make a heartfelt commitment…

To stick it out and work it out.

To be brave enough to share how we truly feel, without blame or shame.

To keep the relationship agreement, even if it’s unspoken, but is a habit of relating, unless and until we need to create a new agreement.

And then consciously communicate that need to our partner and be impeccable in our fulfillment of it.

5. Last words on what you need to know about a conscious loving relationship

We can’t have great relationships when we feel unlovable or undeserving within.

We can’t have great relationships when we use a previous, maybe miserable relationship, as a template to follow, we’re just going to keep getting the same old warmed-over stuff for ever more.  

But you can be one of the fortunate ones who experience a conscious loving relationship and I’m here to remind you that…

Today you might feel this relationship is beyond your reach, but it’s not.

Today you might feel too demoralized and unlucky to even try, but you’re not.

You can turn within and reinvent yourself, and your relationship patterns will follow suit.

That’s living and loving consciously.  And you can do this.

Encourage one another

Love Elle



Elle Sommer is the author of 4 books and a workbook. Her latest publications are a series called The Power of Consciousness, and you will find all three books in this trilogy now available on Kindle. She shares quotes, inspiration and positive vibes on Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest. And her greatest desire is to encourage and inspire others to create not just a good life, but a phenomenal life.


  1. Love this Elle and I felt you were writing anout the relationships i have with Des- so blessed every day. xxoo

    • I’m so happy for you Suzie…a conscious relationship makes all the difference to our happy days. 🙂

  2. Hi Elle,

    Having a solid relationship does require effort on everyone’s part, I have found. I love the idea of “we” being the baseline as well. Thank you for the always needed reminder!

    • It makes a huge difference Cathy…’we’ as the baseline. I see so many couples in competition with one another, keeping score on who does what and I can’t see anything healthy about this. Whereas nurturing the ‘we’ of a relationship creates a huge bond that seems to continually expand. At least that’s been my personal experience. 🙂

  3. Helpful advice, Elle. I can see how I did not do most of these things in my marriage. I want my next relationship to be much more like you describe her. Live and learn, eh? 🙂

    • So true Debbie…living and learning. I didn’t discover much of this until I was a bit more ‘mature’ lol. 🙂

  4. Having divorced and remarried my husband, I can attest to everything you say here. To me, the most important quote here is: “You can turn within and reinvent yourself, and your relationship patterns will follow suit.” Nothing changes until you change. And you can’t make the other person change. Acceptance with a willingness to improve and work on the “we” is what turned around our relationship. Yes, it’s possible if your work at it.

    • Hi Paige and thanks for sharing your insights. It’s always so valuable to hear experiences from others. 🙂

  5. Wise advice, Elle. I’ve realized that you have to make your relationship a priority, you can’t just put it on the back burner. You have to dedicate energy to it. So both the “we” attitude and relationship as a daily practice, especially resonate for me.

    • Hi Sandra…it took me a long while, and some unhappy experiences before I got that part of the equation. The ‘we’ element is what makes every relationship so special. 🙂

  6. Elle,
    Very well written and great advice for many people out there. I am very lucky to have the most incredible relationship with my husband. We are best friends and you don’t find that very often. We totally have the “we-attitude”! We get up one hour early everyday (since we’re both morning people) and have our “morning meeting” which is really talk during our coffee time. That way if we’re too tired at the end of the end of the day we’re not missing out. My aunt always said to me, “Want more for the other person.” If you’re both doing that, it’s amazing!

  7. Such great advice here Elle. All couples need to consciously make an effort to keep the relationship on a high vibe. Those great couples, who have it all, make the effort.
    thank you for sharing this perspective. So needed!
    xoxo, Z~

Pin It