Tony Robbins says:

The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.

And I can say hand on heart that I have found this to be an eternal truth in my life. With the added disclaimer that relationships are not always straightforward, though. Are they? And there’s nothing so painful as when relationships turn out badly.

Let’s begin right at the beginning:

You don’t get what you want; you get who you are

So who are you in terms of relationships? Are you someone who has been hurt, wounded, or abused in some way? Do you have a perspective on relationships that are less than optimistic, perhaps downright pessimistic? And now you have no trust in healthy, happy relationships.

If this is you, then this is what you’ll get. And this state of mind will never draw a lasting, loving relationship. Even if you desire to experience a relationship of a lifetime, it can’t and won’t be yours.

The reason for this is your concept of yourself is someone who sees relationships in such a negative light.

Happy ever after ain’t always easy!

I know about this. I’d had relationships that were emotionally abusive or controlling and one with an alcoholic. And the best thing I could say about my relationship perspectives was that they sucked.

No wonder I kept going from one rotten relationship to another.

The alcoholic relationship was the one that changed everything. Finally, I’d had enough, and something had to change fast.

It turns out that far too many of us have a Cinderella perspective on relationships. Yet, idealized fairy tales of romantic love are not what helps us build a life together.

Even though I have to say sometimes we meet a bunch of frogs before we meet our soul mate. Well, in my case, that was true!

It isn’t about luck or fate; it’s all about us. Take it from me as the person who is in the happiest and most extraordinary relationship I have ever had, which has lasted twenty-three years.

Luck had nothing to do with it. Fate had nothing to do with it. My mindset had everything to do with it. Change that, and everything changes.

That’s where brilliant relationships begin.

So how do we help our best and happiest relationships to flourish?

These are some of the most powerful techniques I know to keep relationships flourishing.

Evening rituals for the best and happiest relationships

If you don’t like the word ritual, think about it as finishing your day in togetherness. It isn’t about sex. It’s a gratitude reuniting. Which certainly doesn’t mean it’s about handing over all the day’s complaints to your partner. It’s not even about how your day was and what went right or wrong.

Instead, it’s about sharing all the things you are grateful for in one another. Admiration. Love. Respect. Kindnesses. Whatever you’re thankful for in the other.

We have had an evening ritual every evening since we’ve been together. And yes, that’s every evening for twenty-three years. Even if one of us were away, we would share our evening ritual over the phone or whatever worked at the time.

Repetition is fine. Adding joint desires for our life has worked well too. But, no matter what it is about, providing it’s a positive, uplifting experience of coming together at the end of every day, even for 5 minutes, creates space for a self-perpetuating and positive loop.

If you’re ready to experience the best and happiest relationships, then this one is a no-brainer.

For the best and happiest relationships, you need some emotional funding

Small events in life are fundamental to the health of your relationships. Don’t take everyday interactions for granted. Pay attention when your partner speaks to you. No matter how busy you are in the moment. Stop, even for a moment, and pay attention if you want your relationship to flourish.

It’s one of the most romantic gestures you can make. It says you are important. What you say matters to me, and I’m happy to engage with you.

This is a fundamental requirement for trust, emotional connection, and a happy sex life. It might sound silly, but the romance in your life is strengthened by those little, everyday pleasant experiences that connect you.

Daily interactions of engagement and interest in what the other has to say create an abundance of goodwill in the emotional bank account of your relationships.

If this isn’t part of your relationship, try it. It works. Mutual respect and constant regard for each other are expressed through these small gestures day in and day out.

Changing agreements

Every relationship has agreements. Sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken.

The good news is that relationship agreements can be changed just like in any other partnership. Not torn up and thrown away, but replaced with a new agreement. But far too often, one person decides to change that script without a thought for any consequences. This is the bad news.

If you decide you’d like new goals in life or new ways of being in your relationships, simply tearing up old agreements without a bye-your-leave is probably not going to go down too well.

Share your new desires for your relationship from now on and create a partnership not simply of you and me but of the ‘we’ of the relationship.

Talk about what works for both of you and find something that will mesh your relationship together for an even happier experience. A significant clue to relationships that don’t work out well is that each one is focused on me, not the ‘we.’

Think of your ‘we’ as the biosphere of your relationship. If one bit of it is poisoned, you’re polluting the whole. And as a couple, your relationship lives inside that polluted biosphere. Not a great thing for that best and happiest relationship you desire. However, can trade this in for the interconnectedness of ‘we.’

Word of warning, if you are the only one focused on the ‘we’ of your relationship, it might be time to run for the hills!

Challenge assumptions

This is important because your assumptions about the best and happiest relationships are the starting point for the forthcoming attraction of your best and happiest connection, or not. When we fear the worst, that’s what we’ll get, so harness the power of your imagination, assume a different experience, and let your highest, wisest, truest self guide you.

It doesn’t simply mean switching from the negative to the positive; this is about swapping the taking-for-granted way you’ve been viewing relationships to deliberately using your imagination to choose something better. So tap into the wisdom of your imagination and guide it towards whatever your heart’s desire might be.

There’s a concept called Sankalpa, which is about using all your senses to connect with what you desire through positive intentions. And that pretty much sums up what you need to start doing to have the best and happiest relationships. Or the best and happiest anything.

Encourage one another.

Love Elle



Elle Sommer is the author of 4 books and a workbook. Her latest publications are a series called The Power of Consciousness, and you will find all three books in this trilogy now available on Kindle. She shares quotes, inspiration and positive vibes on Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest. And her greatest desire is to encourage and inspire others to create not just a good life, but a phenomenal life.


  1. I wish I had understood all this earlier in my life. 🙂 Especially the wisdom of:

    “You don’t get what you want; you get who you are.”

    This is so true. Our relationships directly reflect who we are. Thankfully, I have learned to do most of the helpful things you mention here.

    • It took me a while too Debbie…but thankfully we got there. And congratulations on being in a space of having done so many things that help going forward.

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