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The people we are in relationship with are always a mirror, reflecting our own beliefs, and simultaneously we are mirrors, reflecting their beliefs.
Back in the day I had more weird, awful, miserable relationship experiences and dodgy boyfriends than you’ve probably had hot dinners.
I’ve been involved with abusers, liars and demanders, controllers…sometimes one and the same.
I’ve been cheated and mistreated and that’s not counting dealing with jealousy, insecurities and all the other foibles that come with those relationships from hell.
I just used to think I was unlucky in love!
Every now and then ‘luck’ smiled on me and somebody wonderful showed up. But mostly I kissed my fair share of frogs and they never turned into a handsome prince. Why is that?
Eventually I began to believe it was all my fault. Seems like we have a built in fault finding system. Things go wrong again and again and so we’re to blame. Right?
Maybe. Most likely not.
Believe me when I say all is not lost. All is never lost.
Don’t be shocked
But first let me share a real shocker with you. I used to ask myself why I was attracting the wrong type of men and why all the ‘good ones’ were taken.
Strange to say, but I was attracting exactly the ‘right’ type of man. As are you. Not right in the sense that they’re our ideal partner in any way, but right in that we attracted them into our circle because of the dynamics of the laws of life.
Those toxic relationships were knocking at the right door and sadly, it happened to be mine.
If our attention is on our flaws, our beliefs about relationships being hard, or never working out , and then we throw in a smidgeon of a sense of unworthiness, it’s as though we’re putting in an order for rotten eggs.
At our favourite breakfast place imagine saying, yes please, I’ll have an order of those rotten eggs…you know the ones that smell foul. Yep they’ll do quite nicely thank you. And then expect to experience them other than as they are.
It sound incredibly silly…but isn’t that what we basically do?
We’re placing a much bigger and more important order through universal intelligence, with our thoughts and feelings about relationships and it universal intelligence isn’t going to ask us are you sure you want rotten eggs? It just says, okay…here you are…this is what you ordered….enjoy yourself.
Red Riding Hood and the snake
It wasn’t until I read the story below, at the beginning of my journey into the rewiring of my beliefs and expectations about relationships, that I had a wonderful light bulb moment.
One of those giant ahas that you look at in awe and say…really? But it’s so obvious, how could I miss it?
Well we miss it because we can only see what’s in our awareness, never mind that it’s actually staring us in the face and turning up with every experience. As in continuous toxic relationships that just show up, seemingly out of the blue.
It’s the story about beliefs, expectatons and why relationships with snakes just don’t work out as we would prefer.
Red riding hood was on her way to visit grandma, it was a bitterly cold day and she pulled her red cloak tightly around her for warmth. It was a long climb to grandma’s, she lived at the top of a very high cliff, and Red Riding Hood paused halfway up to catch her breath.
A snake slithered out from under a nearby rock. Help me, help me, he cried piteously. Red Riding Hood backed away, she was afraid of snakes. Help me, the snake whispered, if you don’t help me to get to the top of the cliff where I can find some shelter, I’ll die. Pick me up and carry me under your warm cloak.
Not likely, Red Riding Hood replied…do you think I’m nuts. If I pick you up, you’ll bite me.
She probably didn’t say it quite like that…a little poetic license here.
I promise, said the snake, I promise I won’t bite you, how could I when you are saving my life.
Being a kind and loving person, Red Riding Hood relented. She picked the snake up, put him under her cloak and continued the long climb to grandma’s place.
Eventually they got to the top. Red Riding Hood was putting the snake gently on the ground when he quickly turned around and bit her.
Ouch, she yelled, you promised, you promised you wouldn’t bite me.
I’m a snake, it’s what I do, was the response as he slithered away.
Lordy, lordy, I got it.
Where’s your focus
There I was with toxic relationship after toxic relationship showing up in my world because of my beliefs about me personally and relationships in general.
Every relationship I had was unlikely to to last for very long. I kept getting message after message that although each relationship looked different at the beginning, they were always the same, just showing up in different clothes.
And the pattern continued.
And the snakes continued to bite.
I was asleep at the wheel, passively expecting everything to change.
But how could it, I was programmed to choose snakes and like Red Riding Hood somehow managed to be amazed every time I was bitten. I was expecting a snake to behave like a gentle butterfly or at least a more loving creature.
Miracles do happen, things can change, but we must be the catalyst. Nothing happens without our input. Not even getting our order of the rottenest eggs out there.
What’s your expectation from your most significant relationships?
Not just your significant other, but your friends, your tribe, your groups. Like attracts like and our outer world isn’t a stand alone reality. The outer world is just a projection of beliefs we hold about our place in it.
Toxic beliefs of not as good as, not good enough, not worthy of, relationships don’t work, people can’t be trusted, or a myriad of other negative beliefs that we don’t hear, can only bring toxic results. They’re the food for toxic relationships.
The sort of good news is that if we want to see what our beliefs really are, we need look no further than our relationships.
Years ago I asked Shakti Gawain if she was certain that relationships were mirrors, because it didn’t make any sense to me, given that at the time I was in a relationship with a functioning alcoholic. Don’t ask. But there I was and I didn’t even drink.
Her answer was an emphatic yes.
It was a long haul from there to here and I’m hopeful that today with the greater awareness of the magnetic attraction of thoughts and feelings that abound these days, you’re in a place where you understand how this applies to your relationships.
Stop feeding the beast
If you’re drawn to a certain type of person, if you notice a similar pattern in your behaviour and experiences in relationships and recognize that you’re always dealing with the same issues…it’s pretty clear you’re the common denominator in it all.
It’s time to stop thinking and talking about what’s NOT working. Or what you DON’T WANT.
Stop feeding the very thing you’d like to disappear.
Stop blaming, them or you, instead, jump off the path you’re currently on, stop your negative beliefs about relationships, stop all the beliefs of your unworthiness, you’re a child of the Divine, how could you not be worthy of the best that life has to offer?
Love yourself enough to invest your energy in the FEELING of having an ideal relationship, with everyone in your world. Your friends, your parents, your siblings, your groups, with your lovers. And yes, with yourself.
And no, not everything works out instantly and maybe some don’t work out at all. But most will.
For it’s a life truth that what you continually experience in your imagination will become an actuality.
Retrain your imagination
Take the time to retrain yourself to focus on what you want, not what you’ve had, it’s an investment in your future happiness and so well worth it.
And yes, I speak from personal experience.
This is the happiest woman in the world talking. My life is filled with the most amazing love and joy – my Darling One blesses my life daily and my friends and groups uplift and enlighten me in the most incredible ways.
As you transform your thinking you might find yourself repeating old patterns.
I know this seems strange when you start to see that there’s a better way. It takes a while to create new and happier ideas about relationships.
So if you find yourself continuing to be attracted to the same old snakes it’s okay…it happens.
But now you know. You’ve got to stand up and say enough…I’m not doing this any more.
Emotionally and energetically, we might still be connected to our old habits. Be kind and compassionate with yourself, knowing that your new found awareness is a bridge, leading you to a new level of living, towards your new level of relationships.
It’s well worth it.
You know I’m going to ask…have you ever had toxic relationships and didn’t know how to get out?
What did you do to permanently attract something more lovely and loving?
We’d love to hear what helped you most either in your journey to real love or from this article.
Please leave a comment below because you might, you just might, be the one able to give comfort or support to someone in our global community.
I thank you for contributing.
Encourage one another.