I would bet at some point in time we all could have used a simple guide to better relationships.

How are your yours working out? Everything hunky dory, or could they use a little boost?

If there are times when you’re feeling a little insecure, a little neglected, or even a little put out, pull up a chair because I have a story to tell you.

Let’s begin with the fact that everything we do stems from what we think, what we believe, what we say.

We think we have freedom of action, but what we have is freedom to react – to events and people, to what we see or what we read, yet what we’re reacting to is ourself.  Now that’s a kettle of fish of a different order.

Forgetting this, my friend Jen found herself regularly upset with her husband, not that he was an awful, scary, cheating son of gun, just your regular, non listening, non appreciative, non complimentary, fault finding, slightly controlling, husband.

And I know we don’t all have one of these…aren’t we the lucky duckies?

Her self worth and insecurities began working overtime.

The more she focused on feeling neglected, the worse it got.  The more she expected him to not appreciate her the more she felt ignored.  Her imagination ran wild, he was probably having an affair.  Their marriage was over.

But before she gave up and fled the country she remembered she had tools, tips and techniques that she’d forgotten to use.  She’d been so caught up in the circumstances that she’d overlooked her divine right to be in charge of her destiny.

These are the basics she returned to:

1. Giving up wanting it to change

Sounds weird I know, but if you take a minute or two, even a second or two and allow yourself to be willing to give up wanting the relationship to change, an amazing thing happens.  You create space for peace.

You create an opportunity to move from ‘wanting’ something, to having it.  

Constantly ‘wanting’ something tells us we don’t have it, not even in consciousness.  And if we don’t have it in consciousness, we won’t have it at all.  We’ll remain in the place of wanting.  No happy outcomes there.

2. Allowing yourself to be wonderful

Imagine feeling that you’re the most wonderful person in the world.  Everyone loves you.

You’re joyful and happy to be with and you lead a zest filled life.  Overflowing with love and peace and kindness of heart it’s inconceivable that you aren’t appreciated and nurtured and secure in your world.  In fact your world is peopled with love.

From colleagues to friends to family and partners, you are supported and cherished.  It’s great.  Life is good.

3. Vizualisefeed your soul with happy thoughts

Pay attention what what the ‘ideal’ relationship experience would be for you.

Remember that you have so much to give in a relationship and how wonderful it is to receive it in return.

Keep your attention away from what’s ‘wrong’ and keep it on a life where you are experiencing a generous, honest and caring relationship, and that’s what you’ll begin to attract.  

Value relationships, even those short, seemingly insignificant meetings with strangers.

See the gift within each loving relationships and imagine living your life being open and honest and receptive.

4. Create habits of happiness

Focus on what’s right about your relationship – you’re bound to find something – we tend to see what we look for.

And if not, maybe it really is time to flee the country.

But if this is the choice, just remember wherever you go, there you are, same you, and eventually the same experiences show up – might just as well take a stand and change your perspective.

We almost always get a perfect match for whatever energy we’re radiating – and we all know what creates that vibration of energy…yep right first time, our thoughts, feelings, beliefs – you know the drill.

It sounds simple, but it turned out to be revolutionary for Jen.  Everything changed.  Because everything depends on our attitude towards ourselves.  What we can’t embrace as true of ourselves will never materialize.

5. My takeaway for better relationships

Jen was willing to let go of ‘wanting’ and embrace having.  And the thing that had the biggest, quickest impact she said was her choosing to see herself as wonderful.

She began to feel differently about herself and noticed little changes, her husband started to compliment her, to ask if he could help out when she was running late.

He filled her car with gas…not a huge thing in and of itself…but an enormous change for Jen.  Little things do mean a lot.

Jen’s willingness to see and do things differently created a different reality.  She opened her heart and expanded herself and her relationships.

She says she can’t in good conscience say that they have what some would call the perfect relationship, whatever that might be…but it works for them…they’re both happy…and no-one is contemplating fleeing the country.

And she believes better relationships are there for all, if they remember the basics.

Seems to me the biggest take-away for Jen was what many of our sages have told us throughout the centuries ~ success and happiness be it in love, or health or anything else, is not to be pursued it’s be attracted by the person you are, the person you become.

Don’t you just love happy endings?

Decide who you are, decide how you see yourself, decide what the ideal relationship looks like to you…maybe Jen’s simple guide will help.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you that every relationship is easily fixable.

I don’t know.

I’m blessed to be the happiest woman in the world, with my best and last romance…so I’m no judge, but I am here to tell you that our relationships are our mirrors and viewed in this light…they can be a tool for our healing and growth.

I will tell you what someone a whole lot smarter than me once said:

You can’t just give up on someone because the situation is not ideal. Great relationships are not great because they have no problems. They are great because both people care enough about the other person to find a way to make it work.Annonymous

Encourage one another.

Love Elle


Elle Sommer is the author of 4 books and a workbook. Her latest publications are a series called The Power of Consciousness, and you will find all three books in this trilogy now available on Kindle. She shares quotes, inspiration and positive vibes on Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest. And her greatest desire is to encourage and inspire others to create not just a good life, but a phenomenal life.


  1. I like your point about practicing habits of happiness. We often spend so much time “wishing” things were better instead of “making” things better.

    Great Post.

    Dan Garner

    • Elle

      Hi Dan so nice to have you join in the conversation and I like what you say about wishing versus making. After all it’s all happening in consciousness anyway, might as well ‘make’ it look like our ideal. πŸ™‚

  2. Elle- Your post couldn’t come at a better time. It is helping me to put things in perspective. I have had a week from hell- a very sick dog ~ it happened over night. I have been feeling let down tremendously by family numbers who have chosen not to be present while I go through the grieving process. Today when my daughter left a chirpy message ‘checking in’, my first reaction was ‘shit, why isn’t she stopping by to check in?’ And then I reminded myself that my expectations are unrealistic – that to expect anything other than what a person can give is imposing my expectations about what they should be. And in fact, the grieving process is a very personal one. It is something that I need to do for myself. So thanks for this fine reminder. It is helpful. xxoo-Fran

    • Elle

      So sorry about your dog Fran, I know it’s not easy. But what a great catch kiddo. It’s pretty darn wonderful that in the middle of grief you’re able to ‘check in’ on yourself and take a look at your interpretation of events. Kudos Fran…you are one enlightened being. πŸ™‚

  3. Hi Elle,
    It must be in the air…I found myself wanting to change a daughter this morning. I know better and I love this.

    Are you willing to give up wanting it to change? I’m creating my space for peace right now. How easy can it get, eh? xo

    • Elle

      That made me smile Tess…how often have I found myself wanting to do the same…talk about practice what we preach. πŸ™‚

  4. Most of the time, it is about allowing happiness to happen. It is so easy to get worked up when we are anxious to achieve a certain outcome. The pressure gets to us. And we block the good stuff.

    It is nice to learn this from children, who don’t carry the mental baggage we do. πŸ˜€

    Hugs – lovely post. Are you writing a book, Elle?

    • Elle

      So true Vidya…it’s really easy to get caught up in what’s going on around us, forgetting we made it, we can change it just as easily and effortlessly. So funny you should ask about a book Vidya…you must be the sixth person this last week to mention it…do you think I should be paying attention? πŸ™‚

  5. Joseph Appaloosa

    “let go of wanting and embrace having”
    The energy of those two words is so very different. What a beautiful way to not only phrase it BUT also to view and operate from. Thank you for that nugget !
    Write on, Elle !

    • Elle

      So true Joseph, the energy of the words is entirely different and what a difference it made in Jen’s life…and same can be said of ours…about anything. πŸ™‚

  6. Agreed. Sometimes we just instinctively know when a relationship is not over because the mirroring business and the lessons aren’t done yet. If for instance you’d spent decades with someone and the work hadn’t been completed yet – and I think we all can sense whether it is or it isn’t because if it were done you would naturally part – why start All Over with the next person who you will then (guaranteed) begin the lesson once more. Best as you say to simply look for the best in the other and in yourself and be happy as you are.

    • Elle

      Thanks for this insight Julie. And it’s true I’ve been there seen it done it…in the past. Funny thing is it’s hard to recognize that it’s the same stuff all over again just with different people, because they show up wearing different clothes. But pay a little attention and it soon becomes crystal clear. As you say, focus on the good stuff and more of it will surely appear. πŸ™‚

  7. Hi Elle,

    Great line about how relationships are our mirrors. I’ve been around a group of people this weekend and just observed how these family members were so loving and respectful to each other. It was just a great reminder that we all have different strengths, but the difference can be what we love about each other. Thanks for another inspirational post!

  8. I love this article! Isn’t this what life is truly about? Taking it and making it what you want? We all have incredible power within us and I love to read empowering tales such as this one. I love the steps because anyone, anywhere, can do it. The greatest part is that not only can we apply this to our love lives we can apply this to our everyday lives and to anything that we desire and would like to have. I wholly believe in the power of positive thinking and that by thinking positively we will create positive things in our own lives. So this article really made me smile and I am so glad that I found it. I have a friend that I think am going to have come and take a look at it to because she tends to look at things a little negatively and could use some of this positive perspective in her life.

    • Elle

      Hello there, and thanks for joining in the conversation. And you’re right (sorry I don’t know your name) it’s all about where we put our attention. Focus on what we want, or keep re-running what we don’t want in our heads. One feels good, the other not so much! πŸ™‚ And worse brings not so good experiences.

  9. Good advice here. Boy, I could have benefitted from all of these especially “giving up wanting it to change.” I think that alone would have helped tremendously.

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