Hands up everyone who’s ever had a relationship fall apart?
Yep…that’s all of us.
We’ve all had relationship problems and for some the answer is moving on or moving out.
And often we go on to have the same unhappy endings over and over.
Why is that?
We can begin by understanding just as you’re not perfect, nor am I, nor is life…nor are there perfect relationships. Fairy tales with princesses being swept off their feet by dashing knights on white horses are just that…fairy tales.
That doesn’t mean that life doesn’t hold incredible joy when we engage deeply in loving relationships. Relationships that nurture, and support, that are filled with love and hands held during difficult times are more than possible for us all.
So how do we get there from here?
How do we rediscover love when all seems lost?
1. Start with your inner life
The journey to rediscover love lies within.
One of the biggest mistakes is to think that our beliefs don’t matter. But if you’ve been hurt in the past. If you’ve been in relationships that didn’t work it’s likely that you’ve created beliefs about relationships based on your past experiences.
And carrying your unhappy past into your future it isn’t going to end well.
We all attract into our life the people and experiences that mirror our dominant beliefs. Which makes it nigh impossible to believe one thing and experience something else.
Life simply doesn’t work that way. You get what you expect!
The truth is that whatever negative beliefs about relationships you might still hold you can be sure they’re impacting and influencing current or future relationships.
2. Assume your ideal
Invest time using the power of auto-suggestion or affirmations.
Your conscious mind can only hold one thought at a time, positive or negative so if you consciously choose to hold a positive image or words in your mind you block out everything else, at least for that moment.
So determine that you are loved and valued and respected and that your partner is true to you.
Determine you are in a relationship where you both thrive, because assumptions, when persisted in, harden into facts.
When you see yourself in relationships of mutual respect with shared commitment to creating the best journey possible for you both, that’s when the miracle of love has the greatest chance of success.
3. Practice the principle of three
In every relationship there are three things to consider…there’s you, there’s me, and there’s we.
In the early days of our relationship we soon recognized that some things needed a little time and patience. So we gave each other the gift of space.
Always saying we’ll talk about this at an appointed time in the future. Maybe in a couple of hours, maybe tomorrow. And we always both showed up.
And there were times when there wasn’t a simple solution that made either of us happy, so we looked to the ‘we.’
What would be in the best interests of ‘we’…what would add the sweetest dimension to our relationship?
If you use this technique, at the very least you’re looking beyond the current upset and at the very best you might dare to believe that something within you was greater than any outside challenge….and everyone benefits.
4. Rediscover love by nurturing gratitude
It’s not easy to see that we can be our own worst enemies when it comes to relationships. And it’s all to easy to form the habit of focusing on what’s wrong and overlooking what’s right. Not the best way to rediscover love in life.
Listen to what you’re saying about your relationships. Listen to what your partner says. What’s your main relationship story?
Do you tell tales of how awesome your partner is. Do you make them sound great or something of a jerk?
When you think about them are you focused on what’s wrong or acknowledging what’s right?
Nurture gratitude instead of discontent and remember resentment not only poisons your relationships, it poisons your soul.
5. Parable for life
A newcomer to a city saw an old man seated by the road and he asked him:
“What are the people like in this city?”
“What were they like where you come from?” said the old man.
“Terrible,” the traveller said in disgust. “Disrespectful, dishonest, disloyal, horrible in all respects.”
“Ah…” said the old man thoughtfully, “you will probably find them the same in this city as well.”
Some hours later another newcomer passed by and asked the old man the same question.
“What were they like where you come from?” the old man asked again.
“They were lovely people. Honest, kind, compassionate, generous, caring; It was a shame I needed to leave,” the newcomer responded.
“You’ll find them the same here,” the old man replied.
This is true of all things in life, especially in relationships. If your thoughts, beliefs and expectations and your personal energy vibration have produced conditions where relationships are hard, where people are disrespectful, dishonest and disloyal then changing relationships, or cities, without changing yourself simply can’t produce anything different.
[Tweet ” Expecting things to change without first changing yourself is to struggle against nature itself.”]
Ask yourself this. Do I value relationships? Am I willing to be my authentic self, without allowing the wounds and bruises from the past to run my life today? Am I ready to let go, to grow, to open my heart and be vulnerable to others? If you can answer yes…the door is open for authentic relationships with others.
Over to you…what has been your biggest difficult or greatest success in your relationships…be they with loved ones or colleagues or friends. We can’t wait to hear your words of wisdom or ideas or questions in the comments below.
Encourage one another.
Love Elle
16 Comments
Elle,
I’ve never heard of the principle of three. I really like that….and it’s so important. I am happy being single and have been for the last decade. So, right now, I’m considering just me. 🙂
Hi Debbie…taking care of you is vital…your relationship with yourself is the one that last’s forever. 🙂
I love this parable of the visitor to a city asking about the people there. It’s so telling!
As an expansion of your first point, I think working on our self in every way can only enhance our relationships. I’ve found this to be the case for myself.
Hi Sandra…I think you’re absolutely right about the parable…it says it all doesn’t it. Who we are is what we see and what we get. 🙂
Love the power of 3 and of course it makes sense. Our inner life is so important to take care of, can be so easy to forget. ?
Isn’t that the truth Suzie…since our inner life is the builder and maker of our outer life it probably needs the most attention of all. 🙂
I love the principle of three – such a great way to find a middle ground when there are two opposing views. Thanks Elle <3
Hi Allanah…the principle of three has worked really well in my life for the past 17 years which is how I know it really can make a difference in relationships. 🙂
Thanks for this Elle, thought-provoking right now as I have been considering the place of love in my life. I think the power of three in particular is a useful reminder.
Hello Ellen…love in our life is so important…and as we know the Greeks defined love in so many ways that I think we often have love and don’t even realize it. 🙂
I love the parable as well, Elle and this line there’s you, there’s me, and there’s we! So true. My experience has been what we bring to the relationship can make the difference. It is so important to have your own house in order first and then enjoy! Thanks!
Hi Cathy…it’s funny how it’s often the simple lines that have the most impact and the you me and we definitely has had a great impact in our relationship.
Hi Elle, I would definitely agree that in order for us to re discover love, we should start from our inner self, learning to forgive our past, love ourselves and give value to our whole being for all it is worth. That is the start of rediscovering love. It should come from within us first. Thanks for sharing a wonderful post.
Itsn’t that the truth Sherill, we don’t get what we want in life, we get who we are and if we don’t have love within, it’s difficult for it to show up in our physical reality.
I’m currently in a very hard relationship. I think that respect is lost completely and caring as well. Even though, I’m having trouble letting go. I don’t know what to do with this anymore.
Hello Ana…I’m so sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. It truly is a heart rending place to be. And letting go is so terribly difficult. I sincerely wish for you a happy, loving relationship, but for now perhaps it would help you to simply remember how valuable and deserving you are of all the good things life has to offer. Many blessings to you. 🙂